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3.25.2008

Mo Money, Mo Problems?

Straight up bullshit.


I'm fading and I'm fading fast.


Depression doesn't describe what I'm feeling right now. Anxiety is at an all time high. Why?


Money. Lack of it, if you couldn't guess that. I swear if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. How is it that through all these odd twists of fate I always end up with my back up against the wall, defensive and on the losing team?

3.22.2008

Still Yet Keepin' On...

And so... another day, another doctor's visit. So far this week we've visited our now not-quite-so-friendly pediatricians every single day with the exception of Friday. I told them today, believe me, I am every bit as sick of you as you are of me.

Jaalyn's still feverish, whiny, cranky and having periods of "just not feeling good".

Trinity's not feverish anymore, but whiny, cranky and having periods of "just not feeling good".

Both are coughing themselves to death.

It's the coughing that gets me. Breathing treatments don't seem to be helping. Cough medicine is good for nighttime, but throughout the day? Oh man, I've tried everything from saline treatments, nasal flushing (to rule out the post nasal drip possibility in Trin), Halls cough drops, constant fluids, steamy bathrooms and allergy meds (singulair, allegra for Jaalyn)/benadryl (for Trinity) to rule out possible pollen/histamine/whatever the fuck is in the air to cause them to cough like a 125 year smoker with emphysema.

So I took them both to the doctor this morning, hoping for something. I don't know what. Just any sort of advice on how to treat this. Trinity's at the point that she coughs so hard that it hurts her chest and Jaalyn cough is so constant that she can barely breathe for coughing. And what I got was a "Oh, its you again." Um, yeah it IS me again and as long as my insurance company is paying your bill you'll keep seeing me again until my kids are healthy. She examined Jaalyn and said she had an older kid type of croup cough. Saline treatments and step up her breathing treatments a notch. The fuck? That's it? When little kids get croup they get a shot and bam, they're better. I get told to do the exact same shit I've been doing, excuse me, the exact same ineffective shit I've been doing all along. But that's not what really ticked me off.

She didn't even bother to examine Trinity.

That ticked me. She didn't examine her because she said she assumed she had the same issues and just do whatever it is that I normally do. So after waiting over an hour to be seen (with a prescheduled appointment) I got no effective advice to help my kids. And you know what happened, they hacked and coughed their way through the rest of the day. Completely miserable and zonked out from medication I'm praying to God will work to give them some sort of relief.

(It did.)
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Please forgive me for my lame ass posts of late. I am beyond tired and stressed. Hope to be back to my usual bitch self soon.

3.21.2008

Where the Fuck is My Calgon?

What a week it's been. Trinity has been sick with this since Monday, which isn't as bad as this but it's still pretty bad. Jaalyn actually had hand, foot and mouth disease three times before the age of 3 so I am familiar with the symptoms, longevity and (non) treatment of it. Trinity has a milder version of it, so she doesn't have the ulcers in the back of her throat but something akin to tiny blisters, along with the raging fever and she's been miserable since the onset. Just as I thought she was getting better and her fever had broken, she began screaming uncontrollably, smacking the sides of her face and the fever returned. An impromptu trip to the doctor's office (where they are quite familiar with my girls since we've been in their office every single fucking day. Twice on Monday and daily ever since.) proved that she'd developed an ear infection in her left ear and a sinus infection as well so now she's got medicine for that on top of everything else. She's been horribly congested all week long (we all have) and chokes off the thick mucus in her nose and throat. Couple that with the ear pain and that means Mommy's awake nearly all night holding her bolt upright to keep her from choking/coughing, etc. But... thanks to the antibiotics she's doing a lot better, feeling alot better, but still sort of miserable from the pain of the ear infection and the yeast infection she's got thanks to the fucking antibiotics.

And just as I thought Trinity was getting better and that we were finally in the clear and perhaps I could get some sleep... nope nope nope. Jaalyn's spring break began Wednesday and I took her to my parents' house to spend the week there but I'd forgotten her allergy medications. So I dropped them off yesterday and as soon as I walk through the door I see her cheeks flushed scarlet, her eyes are weak and on the verge of tearing. Back to the pediatrician and now Jaalyn has a strain of the virus Trinity has. High fevers, headaches, zero appetite, sore throat... yeah.

I've probably walked a hundred miles in this house last night alone, going from room to room, child to child, forehead to forehead. Tylenol, Motrin, saline treatments, breathing treatments, antibiotics for each. I've slept far too little this week and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. Tired doesn't do justice for the way I feel. I'm nursing a sinus infection that I really ought to go to the doctor for but am steadfastly refusing. One more trip to a doctor's office, ANY doctor's office and I think I'll go apeshit. I've a really bad pain in my back, between my shoulder blades, I guess from sleeping upright and awkwardly holding Trinity the past 4 nights. The pain is enough to draw tears from my eyes. Can't stretch it out, crack my back, nothing helps. No meds for Mommy at all. I can't run the risk of them making me sleepy and I won't hear either kid when they need me.

And I was going to write so much more... but guess what? I'm too fucking tired to do so.

3.12.2008

At Least I'm Not the Only One Whose Week Sucks Donkey Balls...

Okay, my period is gone, my emotions have died down and I sort of have a resolution in this credit union foolishness. I can take a breather for a minute or two, refocus, and realize that OTHER PEOPLE ARE QUITE POSSIBLY HAVING A MORE FUCKED UP WEEK THAN I AM.

ahem...

Case 1: Eliot Spitzer - I am SO sick of reading about him. Although Bill Maher's blog had me in stitches. I mean what is the big deal? He's doing the same thing that men have been doing for centuries, since time began. Only difference is that his ass got caught. He fucked up and his wife gets the blame for being boring and lame in the sack. And when you think about it from that perspective, can you really blame Spitzer for stepping out and paying for good pussy?

Case 2: Oh Rebecca... My heart and soul weeps for you because I know exactly how you must feel now.

Case 3: Mrs. B., principal of my daughter's Catholic school. Her personality is abrasive and that's putting it nicely. She's nicknamed the Colonel and is every bit as strong in character as a Marine, but her voice cracked and eventually broke when she announced to parents this evening that the school is in incredible financial danger and could possibly close after nearly a century and a half of operation.

Case 4: Hillary Clinton because she has complete fucking idiots working for her. But for the record, I agree with everything Ferraro said.

And no, I am not an Obama supporter but my reasons are my own and at present I'm not up to discussing them.

Let the bashing begin because I'm a black single mother that's not supporting Obama.

So, yeah... a fucked up week for all. For once I'm glad my issue, though major to me, was minor in reality compared to other people's.

3.11.2008

The Suckage of Mondays...

Does anyone remember the Garfield comics of the late 70s and early 80s? Even today Garfield has this decades long gag of hating Mondays. Pies would fly from nowhere to splat in his face; Pookie would go missing; the coffee would be weak and cold and Jon would invariably schedule all his vet appointments on Mondays. Garfield's answer was rebellion. If he didn't get out of his extraordinarily small bed, nothing could go wrong and the Monday curse would be avoided.

Man, I wish I'd never gotten out of bed yesterday.

Monday had to have been one of the worst days I've had in a long time. You know the type when it's a nonstop trip of insanity and madness? Every thing that can go wrong, does go wrong.

I awoke to a splitting migraine.

Remember my last post when I was lamenting that I only have two pair of jeans that fit? Well, make that one pair since the zipper busted on one. Nothing earth shattering, just annoying.

Later that day I speak with my mother. On the phone. At work. Shouting and cursing ensues. I have a pain in my head ten times greater than the migraine I woke up with and my chest is tight and hurting after I end my call with her. I swear I was hatched. That woman cannot be my own mother.

During lunch I receive a phone call from the credit union. Seems there's been a problem with my automated debits and all the transactions came out of another account. So they freeze my account and tell me I owe them an estimated $2,400 for an error they acknowledge to be their own.

I swear, I can't win. It's times like these that I thank God I have children. They force me to behave normally, to push on... Because were it not for them, I'd be too depressed, too angst ridden to even get out of bed. I'm so discouraged right now. I try and try to do the right thing, to raise my girls right, to give them a decent home, pay my bills on time, private school education, etc. I've stopped messing around with married men and men with girlfriends. I don't drink, do drugs or anything of the sort. All I do is live for my kids. Be that super strong woman. And yet... bad things continue to happen. I've always been a strong believer in karma. If you do good and live right, good follows and comes back to you. The Golden Rule. Cosmic Karma.

I do good. I do real good. And still I get nothing but shit. Weird, once in a blue moon shit at that.

I could be like any number of women (and men) that support their income with adverse means. Hell, I've done it myself before but I said under no circumstances would I ever go down that road again.

I'm starting to rethink that.

As a matter of fact, I'm starting to rethink a whole lot of stuff and not in a good way. I'm starting to think that there is no karma, that there's just life. And life, supposedly, is what you make it. I'm sick of just barely making it. Barely hanging on, barely scraping by. I want my kids to be happy and healthy. I want to be able to provide for them without having to worry where my next dollar is coming from.

And it's funny. I have a good job, I make decent money, I don't have a single blessed credit card at ALL. I have no extra expenses outside of the basics: rent, daycare, utilities, groceries, gas, cell phone, and cable. And I just recently added the cable. I monitor my money. I use coupons when shopping. I don't spend more than I earn and I'd even managed to store a tiny bit in savings to pay off a bill or two on my credit report. And then this shit hits the fan. Or some other shit hits the fan. Always something.

But that's life right? The ups and downs and unexpected. But the money... I can't stand worrying about bills. Will I rob Peter to pay Paul this month? I need to supplement my income and my tried and true methods of obtaining it just aren't working out.

I'm just so sick and tired of struggling when I shouldn't be. There are ways to make money, but me being all lofty and high minded about things, I just don't want to stoop down to do certain things. I've done amatuer porn before. I didn't like it, but it paid well. A couple of scenes and I had enough to pay my back rent on my apartment and catch up on all my bills my rotten husband left me with when he deserted me. It wasn't something I wanted to do; but it was something I felt I had to do in order to pay the bills. And I may end up doing it again. Again, it's not that I want to but really, there's little else that pays well in such a short time period. But I'd swore I'd never go back down that road again. I don't knock women that do it, in fact I admire them. Some do it because they enjoy it, some make a career out of it but most are like me and just trying to put food on the table, pay the bills and keep a roof over the little people's heads.

And that's really all I want to do. With all this hell going on around me, it's given me reason to think very hard about life and getting what you want out of it. Right now I'm exhausted from thinking and worrying, emotional as hell, and depressed to boot so please don't take my ramblings as a declaration on my dedication to become a porn star. That's not happening. At least not yet anyway.

3.09.2008

Moody Blues...

It's official, my natural high is gone thanks to hormonal girly bullshit, aka my period.

It was nice while it lasted though. I dunno, this cycle, PMS included, has been rough. I've been tired, back aching, bitchy (I mean REALLY bitchy), etc. But I've also been feeling really depressed and repressed about stuff that ordinarily wouldn't bother me. It's a weird feeling. For example, I'm not a materialistic person. I'm used to going without if for no other reason so my children can have what they need and want. But for some odd reason I've been wanting things and that's unlike me. Perhaps I've neglected my own desires too long. Perhaps it's hormones. Most likely the latter.

I am the type that cares more about my internal presentation vice my outward. I work on my character and mental and physical health rather than other bullshit. (Though I'm failing in that whole healthy eating dept but that's another story for another day.) I've never been the type to give a damn about name brands, or how my house is presented, the types of furniture I had or clothes I wore. I'm not a shoe person, a purse person or any of that. My hair and outward appearance are of (very) little importance to me. A simple ponytail will do and jeans and a tshirt or sweater are fine thankyouverymuch. The only time I really cared what I looked like and felt I had a definite choice in how I chose to present myself was when I was pregnant with Trinity. Because that time I was comfortable financially and I was able to find great outfits really cheap that flattered my growing belly. I felt the need to show how I happy I was about my pregnancy despite not having (or needing) a husband and the extra income he would've provided. I wanted to throw off that pitiful pregnant damsel in distress persona everyone kept trying to saddle me with and show how I really felt like a normal happy pregnant woman.

Right now, pffft. I have this horrible attitude of "I don't need to show no one SHIT", bad grammar included. Now I feel lousy because of my weight and appearance and although I'm still every bit the proud single supermom, I really don't give a shit who knows it, I don't feel the need to show it. I just do what I do and keep rolling really. And I shouldn't be that way. I come off more hardass than I need to and truthfully more hardass than I probably am anyway. If you want to be all psychological about it you could probably say that I'm only reacting this way to hide my feelings of ineffectiveness, unhappiness, low self esteem and extreme distaste for my physical state of being, blah blah fuckity blah.

What. The. Fuck. EVER.

I'm in a funk. I don't like it but there it is. For some reason unbeknownst to me I actually lamented that I don't own more than two pair of jeans that fit, that I don't have "nice" un-mommylike clothing, that my living room furniture belongs on a street corner rather than in a living room and that for once I'd like everything to be "put together" in a total package and look nice for a change. I realize that this type of thinking isn't bad; nothing wrong with it whatsoever. It's the feeling of hopelessness that follows these thoughts that bothers me.

Let me explain: When I think of wanting a new living room suite or just a total home makeover, the actual wanting of it is fine. But the afterthoughts are that I'll never have that as long as I have kids because either they'll destroy it or I will become one of those moms I DETEST that scream at kids constantly for touching, sitting, eating on, etc their "nice" furniture. The last thing I ever want to do is treat my home like a museum. Like it's for show only. That's no way for kids to live. Now there's nothing wrong with either of those thoughts, but because of these bloody hormones I feel blue about not having what I want and focus on my inabilities (can't afford it anyway and even if I could my choices would be limited to a wipe-me-down leather which is ugly ugly ugly.)instead of realizing the reality of my situation (I could find something nice, secondhand that's not too ugly with kid-friendly fabric or slipcovers.).

I've even been feeling all girly like I *gasp!* want a man. Me. A man wanter. Jesus God help me now in my hour of need. The fuck is this all about? Actually I've been watching tv, watching all my dork approved TLC/Discovery channel shows about families, births and organization (seriously, the only reason I watch the Style channel is for Clean House and when did they replace Neicy Nash with that other wanna be chick? Oh I was heated when I saw that shit.). And watching all those reality, birthing, baby, and family shows has made me want a real live nuclear family of my own. Husband/mate included. Pregnancy amnesia is setting in (the point where you forget all the rotten morning sickness, nausea, swollen ankles, crying, etc of previous pregnancies) and I realize how much I want to extend my little two member tribe. I've been secretly envious of those two parent households I see on tv that are all happy and shit despite the odds. I admit it, I'm jealous of the supportive partner the women have. Because I don't have it and I don't feel I'll get it any time soon either. Again, another topic for another day.

This post is long enough as it is without me whining about man-envy and babylust.

Besides, hopefully by the time of my next post all these ill-fated feelings will have past.

I hope.