A Little Brighter, A Little Lighter...

Things are looking up just a little bit. I'm hitting some stumbling blocks along the way but I'm doing my best to remain positive and I'm learning as I go along.

Boy, those were two of the most evasive sentences I've written in a long time, no? Let's put it this way, my lease for my townhome is due to expire in January and I've decided not to renew it. Instead I'm taking steps for a major move closer to my daughter's school and farther from my antagonists.

I can't tell you how fucking good that feels.

By making this move I'm considerably increasing my debt, but I'll be renting a home with the option to buy it once my credit situation improves. It's not my ideal home, but it's an excellent starter home and with a few modifications I could net a serious profit whenever I chose to sell it... um, after I buy it first of course. The house itself I dislike. It's a cape cod, a style of home I've never been attracted to, always thinking that it was the most boring of architechural designs. The rooms are awkwardly shaped and placed, the cabinetry in the kitchen is so damned ugly it's a shame. When talking it over with my girlfriend she actually put a hand out over mine and said "Honey, let it go. Shut up about the cabinets already." But, it's got 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, a small deck, a huge totally fenced in backyard, a large front yard and a ginormous storage shed wired with electricity in the back. The owners live a 1/2 mile down the road (and they are awesome by the way) and the house is located just far enough off the beaten path so that anyone trying to find me will most likely get lost like I did despite my use of Google-fu and Mapquest. We'll be 8 minutes from Jaalyn's school, and it's only another 20 minutes to my job.

And best of all? I'll be so far out that I seriously doubt either of my antagonists will be visiting me frequently. Too far to use the "Oh I was just in the neighborhood" excuse. I'll be at least 45 minutes from baby daddy's house and well over an hour from his job. The house is only reachable (for him) by highway (did I mention he hates driving?) and his car is a little less than reliable. As a matter of fact, his primary excuse for not attending many of Jaalyn's school functions is his car. My mother on the other hand has a good car and loves long drives in the country but she's poor with directions and lazy as hell on top of it all. A quality shared by my baby daddy.

So my heart is singing. I'll be free of them both. I'll be in a safe neighborhood far, far away from mental oppressors, past stalkers, and hoodrats. My outdoor loving girls will have a yard of their own to play in for the first time ever and I'll be on my way to homeownership soon (I hope and pray). I'm afraid of the challenge; afraid of the debt. This is the most I've ever had to pay for rent and I'm desperately afraid of over-extending myself and falling deeper into debt.

But fuck it. I'm taking the plunge and running with it.

So... Again...

So. I took another hiatus from writing. Sue me.

It's been a busy couple of months. I think I've failed miserably from everything I tried to do and then some.

Let's see:

- college dropout? check.
- failure to buy a house? check.
- alienate your children, family and friends? check.
- accept defeat and admit that you're a lousy person, fat to boot, and slink into the worst type of self pity and cry repeatedly about it all? check.

I've sat and cried many nights. Too many nights in my opinion. I've been wallowing in a pity pit. I've screamed and raged and been so depressed I'd have done the unthinkable were it not for my kids. **

But oddly enough I'm okay with things. Every December, or really, the final quarter of the year, is always a terrible time in my life. Even in childhood I can remember being thrilled at the holidays approaching, but having awful sense of dread with it. So, I'm kind of used to the shit hitting the fan. And once I put things into perspective, it's not quite so bad. Things have a way of working out for the good.

But don't get me wrong, I still have those bad days. My depression has never truly departed from me and it's what keeps me from moving forward. I'm determined to beat it but it's very difficult. And though my self esteem is at rock bottom, I'm amused to find myself with several suitors. My darling little infactuation from the past has reappeared and re-stated his, ahem, love for me. He simultaneously amuses me and irritates the shit out of me. I've another friend that has stated he has a serious interest in me and hoped that I felt the same for him (I don't). And then I have another gent that I have had an interest in for quite some time but really never put much stock into that feeling because he was married. Imagine my shock to discover that he is no longer. But even for him, I haven't generated much depth of feeling; perhaps due to my gloomy sadness that I can't seem to shake for the life of me.

That gloom... I wish to be rid of it. It does lift, for days at a time, but then it descends again at the slightest sign of trauma. The part of me that I miss the most is my determination. In the past I was able to make a decision and stick to it or to identify a problem, find a solution and just do it. But I can't seem to do that anymore. I make a decision, then change my mind, and I constantly doubt myself which I positively HATE to do. It's not me, nothing like me to give in to self doubt. Hell, I was the person that would jump into the fire just to see what happens, for it was better to know than not to know and I even earned (rightly) the fucking nickname BLAZE because of it. Because of my blazing personality, because I was the risk taker, the shit talker, the determined one.

And now that part of me is missing. I've gotten my chip back on my shoulder (the man hating chip that is...), I've sort of gotten my esteem just above rock bottom, but that self doubting crybaby shit I can't seem to shake. I miss being firm. I miss being fun. I miss being happy.

I miss being ME.



**And if you thought for one minute I meant suicide you're out of your fucking mind. Anyone that knows me knows I'd never do such a thing. I meant marriage... the fate worse than death.