So... Again...

So. I took another hiatus from writing. Sue me.

It's been a busy couple of months. I think I've failed miserably from everything I tried to do and then some.

Let's see:

- college dropout? check.
- failure to buy a house? check.
- alienate your children, family and friends? check.
- accept defeat and admit that you're a lousy person, fat to boot, and slink into the worst type of self pity and cry repeatedly about it all? check.

I've sat and cried many nights. Too many nights in my opinion. I've been wallowing in a pity pit. I've screamed and raged and been so depressed I'd have done the unthinkable were it not for my kids. **

But oddly enough I'm okay with things. Every December, or really, the final quarter of the year, is always a terrible time in my life. Even in childhood I can remember being thrilled at the holidays approaching, but having awful sense of dread with it. So, I'm kind of used to the shit hitting the fan. And once I put things into perspective, it's not quite so bad. Things have a way of working out for the good.

But don't get me wrong, I still have those bad days. My depression has never truly departed from me and it's what keeps me from moving forward. I'm determined to beat it but it's very difficult. And though my self esteem is at rock bottom, I'm amused to find myself with several suitors. My darling little infactuation from the past has reappeared and re-stated his, ahem, love for me. He simultaneously amuses me and irritates the shit out of me. I've another friend that has stated he has a serious interest in me and hoped that I felt the same for him (I don't). And then I have another gent that I have had an interest in for quite some time but really never put much stock into that feeling because he was married. Imagine my shock to discover that he is no longer. But even for him, I haven't generated much depth of feeling; perhaps due to my gloomy sadness that I can't seem to shake for the life of me.

That gloom... I wish to be rid of it. It does lift, for days at a time, but then it descends again at the slightest sign of trauma. The part of me that I miss the most is my determination. In the past I was able to make a decision and stick to it or to identify a problem, find a solution and just do it. But I can't seem to do that anymore. I make a decision, then change my mind, and I constantly doubt myself which I positively HATE to do. It's not me, nothing like me to give in to self doubt. Hell, I was the person that would jump into the fire just to see what happens, for it was better to know than not to know and I even earned (rightly) the fucking nickname BLAZE because of it. Because of my blazing personality, because I was the risk taker, the shit talker, the determined one.

And now that part of me is missing. I've gotten my chip back on my shoulder (the man hating chip that is...), I've sort of gotten my esteem just above rock bottom, but that self doubting crybaby shit I can't seem to shake. I miss being firm. I miss being fun. I miss being happy.

I miss being ME.



**And if you thought for one minute I meant suicide you're out of your fucking mind. Anyone that knows me knows I'd never do such a thing. I meant marriage... the fate worse than death.