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8.06.2008

I wish...

Or The Most Abstract Post Ever. Well, from me anyway. Which isn't exactly a change from the norm when I read back through the archives of this blog.

I wish I could devote more time and energies to the hobbies I love.

I wish I were a child again and could look forward to my birthdays with glee instead of realizing it's another day.

I wish I could stop the clock some days so that I can savor the rapidly disappearing baby in Trinity.

I wish I could turn back the clock some days so that I could relive those first few years with Jaalyn all over again.

I wish, GOD how I wish, my mother weren't so fucking mean. And manic. And depressing.

I wish she wouldn't depress dad so much and push his buttons on purpose.

I wish dad wouldn't vent his frustrations to me so vehemehently that it makes me cry later when I'm alone.

I wish my baby daddy would just fucking do right.

I wish I didn't feel lonely as often as I do.

I wish this post didn't sound just as sad as I feel. (there's a story behind my mood, will share another time).

I wish Bush & Co. hadn't fucked the economy so bad while taking care of all their "people".

I wish I'd lived out that political dream I had as a kid.

I wish it would rain and rain and rain.

I wish my friend would come back.

I wish the retarded people in this county I live in didnt treat me as a dirty colored girl and respected me as a hard working woman and mother of two.

I wish I could be just a bit more frivolous.

I wish, sometimes, that my morals and ethics weren't so strong.

I wish people would stop telling me I "act" old.

I wish that I didn't feel sad so often and that medicine takes it away so easily.

I wish more people would see the real me instead of objectifying me.

I wish I didn't think so much at night.

I wish I could move just one more time.

I wish I could get two more kittens.

I wish I had a truck so that I wouldn't have to rely on others to transport big things for me.

Earlier today I received an anxious call from my gem of a landlord. The water utilities had been cut off effective this morning because of an outstanding bill due in May. The bill was only $54 and I mailed the payment and used a money order. Apparently the payment never made it because, lo, water cut off. So long story short (too late) I drove way out yonder and paid the bill at the county treasurers office. Pay on the first floor, go upstairs to have services restored. When I arrived in the room only one clerk was available and she was helping an elderly woman regarding a faulty meter of some sort. Once the pleasant exchange was completed and I stepped to the window the clerk's face clouded over and her tone became nasty. Now I had the paid in full receipt, listing the property, the amount paid, the name on the account and so forth. She read the paper and asked me the same information that was on the paper. I replied with the appropriate answers and this woman then proceeded to loudly lecture me about paying bills late and did I know I still had a balance of $50? True, the bill wasn't due until next Friday but I had better pay it on time or I'll be back in her face begging for a reconnect.

I said nothing at first. Then I simply said okay, thank you. And I left. But the entire exchange left me feeling dirty. And pissed. As much as I hate to admit it I absolutely detest the area I moved to. So many backwater hick, literal trailer park trash sucking their teeth and all but muttering Nigger under their breath. I am so sick of the bullshit. The white people I come in contact with are for the most part racist as hell and the blacks are just as ghetto as the people in the projects in the city; only they're worse because of the country hick-ness added to their trifling ways. Either race simply stares at me as I approach and I can feel their gaze burning holes in my back when I retreat.

I'm not saying people where any better in the city I left. More diverse, yes. More tolerant, definitely. But you come in contact with trash and sleaze in every corner of the earth. The only difference between where I am now and where I was before is that in the city, I knew the places to avoid the foolishness. There were fewer instances out outright racial discrimination and places you could go to avoid the... i don't know. The dirtiness of it all? I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Richmond was no different than this county. Maybe I was oblivious. Maybe I'm being sensitive.