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4.21.2008

Still Here...

Okay, so my life is in limbo right now.

Things aren't going so great on my job.

The kids are healthy despite my paranoia that they've contracted life threatening (read: time-off from work) illnesses.

The house is still a complete fucking wreck and I still have boxes every fucking where and I am thisclose to calling the local trash hauling place and having a dumpster deposited in my driveway to toss every single bit of clothing, box, books, etc that I own into it so that I never, ever in this lifetime have to pack/unpack this amount of shit ever again.

I still do run-on sentences as witnessed in the aforementioned statement. Ha.

I am slowly trying to de-stress myself. I've had some faith shaking experiences these past several weeks/months/years. I'm not sleeping well, not eating well and feeling blue more often than I'd like. But, I'm here. My girls are my life and my love and they are well and happy so what more could I ask for?

A lot. But I won't. I know I won't get what I ask for and quite frankly I don't need it anyway probably. Yeah, yeah, I'm lonely... shut up. I get like that sometimes. NO, I don't like to admit it but I had a conversation with a former lover of mine and it brought out a great deal of emotion in me. Not emotion for him, but just feelings of wistfulness and hopelessness that there is such a thing as a good man. I told him that it seems that the only men that ever want me are married men (and the one soul that isn't married may as well be. You know who you are.) and well, to be quite frank I'm the hoe that won't be the housewife, the freak in the sheets you'll never take home to mama. It seems that the only men that approach me want to lay me and keep me as the number #2 (3, 4, 85th) girl. That gets old. Quick.

I'm told I'm too intimidating and that I don't make a man feel like I need him. Well, I don't need a man. I want one but need? Pfft. Will my world crumble if you leave me? Will I neglect my kids and sob if you're gone or if we argue? (Don't trip I know women that have left their 2 year olds at home alone chasing after a man.) I don't need a man for financial reasons. I don't need a man to make me feel "complete". But it'd be nice to have someone around for more than just sexual reasons, more than just friends, more than just whenever he had time away from his wife and family. And at this point, at the ripe age of 30 (ha) I don't think I'll find "a good man". Is there such a thing as a man that won't cheat? Won't lie? I don't know anymore. And I'm not so delusional as to think there's a "perfect" man. I just want the perfect one for me. But if he doesn't come along I'll be just fine.

So in the meantime with all this hell and stress I've had in my life recently I've been trying to focus more on the little things that make me happy. Small things that make me smile, beautiful things that make me cry, and simple joys that make me laugh. The girls have been a big help in some ways. They make me focus on what they are doing instead of my own problems that I should leave at the office doors.

Trinity is growing so fast and she's rapidly learning our language. I say "our" because she has her own toddler-ese that she speaks and expects you to understand. She's speaking in sentences now and it's both delightful and hysterical at times. Like yesterday when she wouldn't sit down for breakfast. I brought out the last Trix yogurt and asked if she wanted it. She nodded and I said well, I don't know that I should give it to you since you won't sit down and eat your breakfast. I don't think you really want it. Her response was a deadpan expression and "I want it. I'm serious." Oh really? I don't think you're serious. She went and sat down at the table and again "I'm serious" followed by the most serious expression her not quite two year old self could muster. Hilarious.

Jaalyn is growing into quite the young lady. She's still my girly girl that's into makeup and scents, nail polish and boy crushes. And she talks. A LOT. Holy shit that girl can talk a hole in your head. Even if you ask her to be quiet just for a few minutes, the wait just kills her and she talks in spurts, reminiscent of the air squeaking out of a balloon. She's also picked up my habit of writing, which I secretly love, and she's got about 4 journals stashed in various places around her room. Mostly they are filled with "I love {insert name here}" or "I :heart: Troy" the dude out of those God awful High School Musical movies. But she also writes her feelings and illustrates them and I think it's wonderful.

The two of them together though? Oy vey. The NOISE they make. The screams. The tears. The, the... NOISE. Jesus God, they fight so! Sometimes they can play nicely but most of the time it's Trinity screaming at Jaalyn and then pummeling her with her fists. The kid is truly a terror at times. This weekend was nice though because thanks to my love of old video gaming systems coupled with some Ebay-fu we are the proud owners of many NES, SEGA and PS1 (and 2) games. I even bought Trinity her very own Barney game for the Sega system, where Barney never dies (unfortunately) , he always finds his friends, he talks directly to you and your kids always win. Most brain decaying thing I've ever witnessed but she likes it and it makes her chuckle. She's happy, I'm happy. I got Jaalyn two Sonic games and she's got about 5 games for her Nintendo DS. I got myself my beloved Tomb Raider games once more, and we're all happy on our separate televisions and gaming systems.

Hey, the family that plays together...

4.02.2008

Still Hanging In There...

So, the kids are better and now I am sick. Upper respiratory infection, sinus infection, and just physically worn down. I've been under copious amounts of stress and I'm just barely holding things together at this point. Been really depressed too but I think that has more to do with my physical exhaustion than the actual circumstances I'm experiencing. Not that the circumstances aren't enough to be depressed about, just that I know when an already worn out body coupled with a vapid mind (of late) makes one very sad girl. Even now, as I type this I should be resting. My eyes are burning, my head is swimming and I feel rotten in general but I also feel the need to vent to someone, anyone, other than my normal crew that gets more than their fair share of my whining and bitching.

These past couple of weeks has been hell and not just because the girls were sick as dogs either, though that's reason enough. But the stress from my job, particularly my supervisor that I know can't stand me; from finances (pending garnishment, back taxes owed that I'd no idea about, daycare, prescriptions, etc.) to the possibility of my daughter's 133 year old school closing; parental worries and fights and being sick on top of it all. I'm just plain weary of it all.

But for now, rather than bitch and whine like I wanted to...

I'm going to bed. Where I belong.