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1.06.2009

We Interrupt This Brief Moment Of Optimism...

I'm bringing negativity back.




I can't help it. It's like everything in the cosmos is against me. I just don't understand it. When tough times hit I just ride the waves through it all because I know the trial(s) are only temporary, it could be worse, etc. But a large part of me looks at things on a spiritual level and I'm just like oh my God what the hell do you have against me?




There's a running joke among us religious cynics that the quickest path to a miserable life is to become a Christian. Because the better you are as a person the worse your life becomes, hence the term Christian Martyr. I was taught, just like everyone else that you do unto other as you would have them do unto you; You reap what you sow; God honors the good and despises the bad.




I just don't get it.

1.04.2009

I Resolve...

Doesn't the whole idea of making resolutions for the new year just suck? It's like some sadistic form of setting yourself up in advance for failure and disappointment for the next 365 days.

Resolution #1: Be more positive

Yeah, so, um... 2008 wasn't exactly the year of sunshine and rainbows for me. My overall attitude stunk and I hated that. My friends hated it. My mother hated it (but I didn't and still don't care). I used to be the one with the positive outlook. Actually, I still am when it comes to other people. For my own situations it's been straight pessimism and that should stop. I have always treated others better than myself.

It's time for fair treatment. I can and will be more optimistic, more positive but I absolutely refuse to be fucking chipper.

Resolution #2: Be Patient

Again, normally I am patient. Times of stress bring out the absolute worst in me. The kids wear on my already frayed nerves and I morph into a shrieking demon of terror. Even as the words spew from my lips I'm shocked at my own tone of voice. Every parent has days like that, I know. But my days are becoming more frequent.

Patience also isn't my strong suit when setting/achieving goals either. I want things done right now. I do not want to wait. I do not want others to "help" me. I want what I want when I want it right. NOW.

Case in point: I'd like a companion, male or female, in my life. Now. But it's just not happening. And upon reflection... that's most likely a good thing.

Resolution #3: Humor

My mother once remarked that the most unusual things seem to happen only to me and she sardonically suggested I write a book about it. Well, she's right (please don't tell her I said so because I will never hear the end of it). The thing is instead of taking the negative approach to it, I ought to highlight the humor of the situation the way I've normally done in the past.

Exhibit A: Disasterous holidays are a habit for me. Dinners I prepare for holiday meals are no exception. Let the record show that under normal circumstances I am a good cook. However, three year or so ago on Thanksgiving day disaster struck. Water would not flow to the kitchen sink (for the life of me I can't remember what happened to cause that), so all water for boiling potatoes, washing hands, dishes, meats, etc had to come from the bathroom sink or tub; the ceiling in the kitchen just to the right of the sink exploded from a water leak that I'd been complaining about to maintenance for about three months but they refused to admit was there despite this growing bubble in my kitchen ceiling. So, heh, I guess that is what caused the pressure to go kaput in the kitchen sink. Add to that mess that I blew up the ham. That's right. Blew it to bits. No idea how it happened or why it happened. I remember using one of those baking bags that I'd used hundreds of time before. Cut slits in the bag, flour it, insert ham and tie it loosely. Blam. Now granted I was upset. But the entire situation was so damned funny. I mean who blows up a ham?!

And this Christmas... sigh. Really, I blame the turkey. The bird was cursed from the start. My mom, the woman that grosses like 70k a year took not one but FIVE turkeys from a local church that was giving them away to the poor. I was appalled and disgusted as were the people she gave the turkeys to. I may be struggling financially but I would never, ever take food from the needy. As a matter of fact despite it all I regularly toss extra non-perishable items into my grocery cart to donate to the Daughters of Charity so that they can distribute it to those less fortunate. So when mom showed up glowing at the thought of pilfering 5 frozen birds to give to herself and a few family members I was upset but figured eh, she thinks she's doing good so I'll cook it anyway.

Ladies and gentleman, the turkey caught fire.

Twice.

I have no idea how it happened. Turkey is supposed to be the leanest meat next to fish right? Evidently the bird was a fatty one and the drippings rolled off the foil tent and onto the burners below the rack. The second time the bird caught fire I got pissed off, turned off the oven, put out the flames, aired out the house, beat the ever-loving-crap out of the smoke detector, and let the bitch sit in the oven overnight. I was so mad I couldn't even bear to take it out. The next day I tossed it into the garbage and went to Food Lion and bought another. It turned out beautifully. Best bird I've baked in a long time. It was so lovely I wanted to take a picture of it.

But still... how the hell?

Resolution #4: Take out the trash

Literally and figuratively. I want the negatives out of my life. That means negative thoughts, negative actions and negative people. I've made this resolution before and I did gain ground a little bit in 08. This year I plan to purge big time.

And all this clutter and bullshit in the house? Going. Out. NOW.

Resolution #5: Make Me Over

Not only do I need a character makeover, I need a physical one too. I need to lose weight, eat healthier, become more active and have some pride in my appearance. With that pride comes confidence which has been a stranger of late.

I have a 5 month short term goal to get into physical shape. I plan to race and complete the Susan G Komen Race For The Cure on May 9th of this year. I've lost relatives to breast cancer and a close friend has been battling it for about two years now. I can... I WILL do this.

If you are in the area, join me. We can huff and puff together for the cause.

And... I've got to fix lunch for the kids so I'll continue this later.