Hopping On The 'Zac Track...

I finally went to the doctor on Monday.

Yup. After 3, almost four, weeks of diet and consistant exercise along with careful monitoring of my blood pressure and weight it appears that I'm a major physically unfit fuck up. Instead of losing weight on a steadily decreasing meal plan, I've gained 7 pounds. Instead of my blood pressure being unsually low (which is normal for me) I'm in the pre-hyper... hyper... yeah well it's pre-high blood pressure. Couple that with major anxiety attacks, overwhelming sadness and listnessness (is that a word?) a trip to the doctor's was long overdue.

And, in a nutshell, I hate my doctor. I hate him for being somewhat honest with me. For telling me that I'm fat, I eat too much (on a 1300 calorie meal plan, imagine that), I exercise too little and if I don't put an end to it all and change my lifestyle I will end up in the exact same state as all the other unhealthy black women in America. Fat, black and dead before I hit 60. So he told me eat as little as possible, work out as much a possible and my blood pressure will decrease naturally. As I gain weight my blood pressure will rise; as I lose it should fall. He said I'm too young for medication and too healthy to not work out more than I do.

And he prescribed Prozac.

I haven't gotten my prescription filled yet. No real reason why. I'm not afraid to take it, more like I simply don't think it'll work for me. I've tried so many anti-depressants/happy pills all with horrible side effects. The nausea inducing, throat constricting, non-eating/gorging, super horny side/zero sex drive effects. I feel so close to the breaking point from all the usual stressors that just adding a new element is like asking for trouble. Yet at the same time, I feel I need it. I've been sad... sadder than sad, for way too long. I'm developing a dependancy on sleeping pills, more because I enjoy a night of sleep without dreams than any actual need for the pills. I've been addicted to them before when I was in my teens and seeking a way to escape my turbulant home life. But I beat that addiction. I realized early on how close I was coming to overdosing and kicked the habit cold turkey. And while I don't feel like I'm in danger of becoming addicted again, I'll cop to enjoying a peaceful, non thinking sleep.

Speaking of which. I'm sleepy now. To the point of not being able to effectively form sentences. So I'll end this missive for the night and pick it up in the morning.