BLOGGER TEMPLATES - TWITTER BACKGROUNDS »

1.17.2008

Untitled Post #2

So, in effort to continue my disgustingly upbeat and optimistic persona, I've gone and done something drastic.

I hired a life coach.

Why? Because I want someone to encourage me, the same way I've always encouraged all my friends and family to reach for the stars, achieve their goals and be ultimately happy and successful in their lives. And if I have to pay someone to do what truthfully, a true friend ought to do, so be it. I can't make my friends behave the way I do or the way that I would like them to. Part of what makes my friends so endearing is their differences in general. But the bottom line is that I want to succeed. I want to be a better mother, a better person, and have a clear cut plan for business, personal and financial success. The person hired is a very close friend and former college classmate and in my eyes is the near epitome of success. I know for a fact that this "coaching" will come not only from a psychological standpoint but also from the heart. I'm actually very excited about it. Yay me.

**********************************************************************************

To continue revealing crap about myself that no one probably cares to know (since I've been told yet AGAIN that I refuse to let people into my heart and mind for whatever reason)...

1. I am afraid of worm-y type creatures like maggots, centipedes, inch worms and the like and will go ballistic if a caterpillar is within a mile of me. I am probably the only person that can spot one on the highway at 60 mph and will swerve to smoosh it with the car. But oddly enough, I am not afraid of earthworms, snakes or other things that typically creep people out like spiders. I find them fascinating.

2. I love going to multicultural events, especially outdoor festivals, museums, art galleries, book readings and speakers. If I do have the chance to attend any events I almost always go alone since no one I know of would enjoy those activities with me. If I do take anyone, it's usually my dad.

3. I hate shopping. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've either a) wanted to go out shopping, b) not considered shopping to be the most detested chore on the planet, second only to toilet scrubbing by hand, or c) enjoyed a simple (and by simple meaning I can go in, find what I want, pay for it and leave) shopping trip.

4. I actually enjoy political arena and were it not for scandalous events in my past and the fact that I work for the Gov't I'd run for office myself. As it happens, I'd settle for speech writer, advisor or something out of the spotlight.

Aaand... it's quittin' time once again on this here plantation so you'll have to wait with baited breath for my next startling revelations.

Ha!

1.16.2008

I'm still on my upbeat high. Loving every minute of it. Getting closer to moving day and I'm actually enjoying packing this time around. Thinking of having a fresh start in both mind, body and home is invigorating.

I'm on track to make all the positive changes I need in life. I'll be on the road to finishing my degree; moving into a new (for me) house; regularly killing myself at the gym with a personal trainer; and hopefully getting a new(er) car and dumping my ole reliable Hyundai, aka the Purple Pussy. Purging heart and home of negative things and people, useless junk and bad memories.

All that optimism is just sickening isn't it? But I feel good. DAMNED good.

It hasn't been all good though. The kids have both been sick and so have I. Their father still behaves like a giant asshole and my mother... *sigh* There are just no words to describe that situation. My parents lives depresses and oppresses me and causes constant worry. But that's another post entirely and I'm trying to keep this one upbeat. Looking through my archives I've very few upbeat posts unless I'm talking about the children.

And speaking of the girls, we've been having a fabulous time. We've been visiting fun places and I've been more spontaneous with them than I have been in a long time. I find that I yell less (a little bit) and I laugh more now. Occasionally I see them cast furtive glances at one another, usually when they've done something that they think I'll blow up over and it makes me sad. Makes me realize how hard I have been on them whilst going through that PPD period. I'm working hard to reverse those feelings of insecurity in them.

I took the girls and my dad to see the new house this past weekend. All three of them fell in love with the house and seeing it and walking through it a second time made me feel a bit of fondness for it too. The house isn't really all that bad and with a bit of interior decorating it has a ton of potential. And the backyard... oh God, the girls cried when it was time to go. It was freezing cold that day and all they wanted to do was go and explore that backyard. They went into every corner, under the deck, into the storage shed and found tons of little "treasures": a pile of broken shale, a tiny orange (plastic) cat, a baseball, dandilions and more. Jaalyn pointed out and decreed that a garden will go here, her still unpurchased swing set will go here, a tent will be erected here, etc.

I think I've done a good thing...
*********************************************************************************

On another note, I've begun to notice how little my friends really know about me. I was actually told by one of my friends over the holidays that I was extremely difficult to shop for when it came to gift giving. That statement totally threw me. Me? Difficult to please? I get excited if I receive an old magazine or hand-me-down book and I'm difficult to please? The smallest things bring me joy, even in my previous depressed state. Anyway, my point is, I'm beginning to realize how little people know about me and how little I disclose when it comes to, well, me. Most of my friends are men and admittedly most talk, even friendly banter is sexual. Beyond that, they don't have a clue as to who I really am.

So here are a few things you never knew about me (and for all I know you probably never cared to know...):

1. I am a fantastic cook when I "feel like it". I cook in a traditional Southern, country girl fashion but I can also do a lot of multicultural dishes too.

2. I hate movies, period. I feel like 2+ hours of my life is completely wasted. I will on occasion watch them but never, ever a romance or drama and almost never in a theater. I actually own a ton of DVDs for movies that I thought I'd like and I have not watched a single one.

3. Despite my dislike for movies, I have a deep rooted love for stand-up comedy and at one point in my life I'd considered giving that a try as an alternative career.

4. I love to read but few people know what genres hold my interest.

5. Music moves me in a way that nothing else can. I have to be very careful to the types of music I listen to and when. I dunno, it's like the sounds completely consume me to the point that I will be completely unaware of my surroundings. And I can listen to almost anything from R&B to acid rock or Gregorian chants (which is lovely by the way), but I cannot stand country music. Something about that twanging in my ear that is like pouring vinegar in a wound.

More revelations another day, my work day is done and I've a ton of shit to get done.

1.02.2008

A Look Back and a Look Forward...

What. A. Year.

I'll be honest and say that I am happy as hog shit to have 2007 behind me. 2007 sucked for me, emotionally, financially, and every other level in my life, 2007 sucked donkey balls, blew donkey dick, whatever.

I mean there were some high points that year too. My youngest baby, my darling little angel celebrated her first birthday and more milestones than I could count. My oldest, lovely and intelligent angel proved to be so much more than I expected. I could not have been blessed with better children and I thank God each and every day for them... even when I'm pulling my hair out and threatening to set them out on the porch with a "Free to a good home" sign. They make life worth living.

But the end of '07, though challenging, has brought about more positive changes than I ever thought possible. It's like looking at a gem under a microscopic lense; with every turn there was a different facet, a different phase, a different challenge.

And for the first time in two years, I AM READY FOR THE CHALLENGE. Seriously. I've got the whole "BRING IT ON MOTHAFUCKA!" attitude and everything. I feel like ME again and I feel whole and complete and fucking wonderful. Much of it has to do with moving out of the city (my God I cannot WAIT to move!). But overall, I think those pesky hormones are finally leveling off, and I'm shedding that grumpy, gloomy persona that shrouded me for so long.

I'm also shedding friends and associates like there's no tomorrow. I'm not sorry about it either. My little infactuation that I've mentioned several times in this blog has finally been curbed. I never dated him, never kissed him, never sexed him... nothing. Today, via text he told me to go fuck myself because I told him for the LOVE OF FUCKING HEAVEN STOP MASTURBATING IN MY EAR I DO NOT DO PHONE SEX, NO I AM NOT WEARING A THONG, I'VE NO IDEA WHAT COLOR PANTIES I HAVE ON I JUST KNOW THAT THEY'RE CLEAN AND WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING? Jesus. Twenty fucking four years old and doing shit a 13 year old would do. So glad I never gave him the goodies because, not to brag, but I would've never gotten rid of him. Boys (yes boys ) like that seem to go ape shit and hump your leg at every chance after you give them pussy. Fare thee well little master-bates boy and fuck you too. Ignorant damned child.

And in ridding myself of unnecessary associates, I've already completed one of my resolutions for '08. This year I'm aiming for peace, purity and prosperity. Already I'm obtaining peace of mind by removing myself from my detractors and purging certain tangible areas of my life. I aim for simplicity in all things.

My Resolutions, in no particular order:
- Discover my true friends, hold on to them and appreciate them.
- Learn to say Hell Fucking NO to my manipulators.
- Cease procrastinating
- Lose weight because oh Jesus if my ass gets any fucking wider. Actually the ass I can deal with, the muffin top has got to fucking go though.
-Enjoy life more, the way I used to, with my girls. I want to travel, I want to visit, I want to show them and give them the world in an entirely new and different way.
- Promotion, promotion, promotion. Because let's face it, private school ain't getting no cheaper, mama needs a new ride, and baby needs pampers. All about the paper this year. Real talk.
- Love myself more and do some old things I used to enjoy and try some new things I think I'd enjoy.

Resolutions Disclaimer: No where in those resolutions do you see anything about me quitting cussing (dammit), getting a man (why buy the cow when you can get a really good B.O.B** for around $80?), giving up sex (are you kidding me?) or any of that other foolish shit people put in their New Year's Resolutions. I'm not a saint and I don't pretend to try.

**B.O.B = Battery Operated Boyfriend, aka an awesome damned vibrator that doesn't talk, knows all the right spots, doesn't require snuggling or a sandwich or showing him the door