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12.30.2008

Thank you Christ the Christmas holidays are over. I stopped pretending long ago to enjoy the holiday season. I absolutely detest them now. I keep up a front for the kids and that's about it. This year was no exception, it sucked hot sweaty donkey balls.




Anyway, I've been trying to rejuevenate my sagging spirits by listening to music**. Which worked wonderfully until I picked up Beyonce's latest cd. Now I stan for B; I loved her music since her Destiny's Child days, faithfully bought every album, and dutifully spawned two little stans for her... well not for her but you get the idea. But when I listened, I mean really listened to If I Were A Boy it made me sad. (You can peep the lyrics here) Sad that the song wasn't as strong as it could've been; sad that I knew what she meant; sad that dammit I DON'T HAVE A MAN and this was just a reminder that most guys are still steaming sacks of shit (not that I'm bitter.. heh).




I've always been perfectly happy with my little girls. Whenever the usual comment comes that I should try for a boy my response is that I wouldn't know what to do with a boy and I'd probably be so hard on him I'd make him gay. But in reality, if I had a boy I would treat him the same as I do my girls - I'd raise him to be a strong individual and I wouldn't want him to be anything like the rotten rascals I've encountered. I wouldn't want him to repeat my mistakes and I'd want him to be respectful and cherish women.




So after listening to If I Were A Boy, I figured I'd rewrite it to reflect how I'd feel if I had a boy...




If I had a boy,

12.24.2008

Distance...

So...

I took a little vacation from blogging. That's not entirely the truth but it'll do for now.

I hadn't realized people were still checking up on this blog. Hadn't realized people still cared. Some do; most don't.

Half a year since I wrote last. I didn't stop writing, I just stopped writing here. I've dozens of abstract thoughts, angry rants, depressing missives scattered throughout my house on scraps of paper, in notebooks, on both my home and work computers.

So much has happened and so much has changed. I have changed.

I've lost my joy, lost my zest. I've become gray (grey? always got the two confused). Aside from the kids very little matters to me. I've developed medical problems galore; I've one of those rolling backpacks that I haul with me everywhere just to carry all my medications. A med for ulcers, a med for pain, a med for migraines, a muscle relaxer for back spasms and a sprained knee; countless other medications to counter the side effects from the others. I've a pill to sleep, another to keep me awake; one more to give me a mental "boost"; another for excess stomach acid.

It's nothing new. I've been at this point before. Times when I was so stressed I'd come home and just lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling or simply roll over onto my stomach and cry. Finances, stress, drama. I'm sick of it all. Jaalyn and Trinity get me through each day. At night, my assortment of prescription pills make me sleep and keep me from dreaming. Even in my dreams my worries haunt me. On the rare occasions I do dream in drugged sleep the dreams are so hilarious that they resemble a really bad sitcom. And then... when I wake and shed the thick veil of sleep that shrouds me and I once again pick up my usual packages: Stress, worry, anger and bitterness are my garbs of late.

I hate feeling like that. I hate being that way. The medications my doctor prescribes don't make my financial struggles end, they don't make the weight fall away. All it does is mask what's just beneath the surface.

At times, I feel the whole world is against me. I'm torn because I know I am blessed in so many ways: healthy kids, a good job, roof over my head, etc. And yet... bad things continue to happen. Unusual what-are-the-odds type of things. I try to remain positive. I try to keep my head up.

I'm tired. Of trying. Of everything. Of everyone.

All I want for Christmas is...

Peace.

12.13.2008

I've been a bad, bad girl.




It's been quite a while since I've posted anything. No real reason for me taking a hiatus other than I just didn't feel like writing.




No, that's not entirely true. I did feel like writing. I just didn't because I'd received some, ahem, constructive criticism (read: I don't like how you write and what you write and my God you're angry and obviously have unresolved issues...) and... well, I just felt too self concsious. I'm intensely critical of anything I do and writing is no exception. I can't tell you the number of zeros I received as grades simply because I refused to turn in my papers because I deemed them unworthy. Rather take the F than hand over what I considered imperfect. Not to say I haven't written because I have dozens of files on multiple computers, my rantings of day to day activities and emotions.




And now I'm rambling... the point is I haven't written here in a long time.




Not much has happened