Promises...

*sigh*

Yesterday I said I'd write more often. I looked forward to the task because after writing I almost always feel better about whatever's bothering me. Today, it's a chore. Writing means thinking; thinking means worry (for me) and I've done my best this entire weekend to just try and slow my brain the fuck down.

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I have the adult version of ADD because I have those moments where so many thoughts crowd my mind that I cannot focus on any one thing in particular and any attempt at doing so ends in failure. This is especially true at night or when I have something pressing to do. I become forgetful to the point of ridiculousness. More than once I've actually been in the middle of saying something and while speaking I'll completely blank out and forget entirely what I was talking about. It's insane.

So this weekend I've done my best to not think. To relax and calm my mind. Saturday was a bust and most of Sunday was too but today?

Bliss.

The girls entertained themselves with minimal fighting between them and I was left to my own devices. I had remote in hand and watched the History Channel nearly all frigging day. I've proclaimed before that I'm a history nut and on President's Day I'm in heaven watching... well, The Presidents. When I wasn't watching that I watched American Pickers on the History Channel website or else I perused other mundane material. Completely vegged out. I felt guilty at first, because it just seemed wrong, for whatever reason, that my kids played without me. But, they were fine and only sought me out if they needed someone to make a decision or to ask permission to use something.

All in all it was a lovely, boring day.

Soon though, I'll have to address all those dark thoughts lurking in my mind. Anyone reading this blog is aware of how unhappy I am with the direction my life is headed. I need to make changes but I procrastinate and refuse to address the issue. Why? *shrug* I don't know really. Maybe it's because there are certain aspects of my own character that have caused the massive fuckups recently; maybe it's because I hope the problems will go away on their own if I ignore them long enough. Or maybe I'm hoping to get a magic pill from one of my doctors that will make all the hurt, anger, pain and indecisiveness go away for good.

Or maybe I'm just lazy. I dunno. Right now I'm too tired to think on it (surprise).

I'll pick it up again in the morning.