Back again...

Wow.

Didn't realize it'd been so long since my last post. I keep meaning to write and I (obviously) just never have time. No time for anything.

So. A brief update:

Still having PPD issues. No real change there.
Still sticking to my self imposed lack of interest in anything other than my kids. Doing my best to see that they are happy and if they're happy then I am satisfied. I signed Jaalyn up for a year of ballet and tap dance and I'm attempting to spend more time with the baby. We've forged such a tight bond, that little roly poly rascal and I.

I'm examining my parenting skills a lot more these days. Needs improvement would be an understatement. I see how hard I am on Jaalyn, though I hate to come down on her. She's so intelligent and I suppose because of the way I talk to her and treat her, sometimes I completely forget that she's only 5 years old. She converses and carries herself like an 8 year old, yet when she doesn't do something I've asked (repeatedly) her to do or doesn't do something properly or just doesn't plain get what I'm saying I've been blowing my top. And I had to take a step back and apologize to her. But more about that another day.

AND, I went back to the doctor today. Not my GYN, my regular doctor. I went because I wanted another opinion regarding medication to treat the depression, to hopefully schedule an appointment to get the birth control IUD put in, to get a referral to see a dermatologist since I'm still breaking out and I rather be hit by a truck than seen in public and just an overall health check up.

The results of the visit?

1. Blood pressure sky high to the point the nurse did a double take and a double reading. Doctor also did a double take and said it couldn't be right so she took it twice. Still high, very abnormal for me since I've always had low pressure versus high.



2. Dermatologist referral. Yeah I got the referral and an appointment... for March 2007.



3. I gained 11 pounds since my 6 week postpartum visit.



4. Birth control: in order to get the IUD from my doctor, who does gyn medicine also I have to get a referral to see a different gyn who will then call me in for a "consultation" and then make me come in a second time for the actual IUD once they figure out how to order it. I can't go on the pill because I'm a terrible pill taker plus I'm breastfeeding. I can't go on the patch because I'm fat and it doesn't work anyway.



5. I can't get a prescription for acne because I'm breastfeeding.



6. Despite the fact that I am fat I cannot diet because I'm breastfeeding.



7. So I'm a severely depressed, anxiety filled, panic attack prone mom that also suffers from insomnia that should be on Paxil... except for the fact that I'm breastfeeding. (notice a pattern here) I have a new prescription for Paxil, just in case I should feel that I can no longer competently care for my kids. Otherwise, weighing the benefits of breastfeeding the baby versus me being gloomy, cranky and tired, the baby wins on this one.



8. To remedy all of the above it was suggested that I exercise, preferably outdoors. She laughed at the look I gave her then I explained to her my schedule and asked her when did she think I should exercise. Ever see a Chinese doctor look dumbfounded? Bless her. Thanks to those highly arched brows of hers she already looked perpetually surprised. It was my turn to laugh. She said with all the activity you'd think I would be able to sleep at night. She said no matter. Get the stroller, toss in the baby and drag my oldest outside. We need fresh air and a change of environment. She said even if I just do it on the weekends it would be worth it. In the meantime I need to find time to exercise at home as well.

She may as well tell me to suck up the Atlantic Ocean with a turkey baster.



So pardon me while I go retreat to my kitchen, aka the cleanest place in this dirty house, and weep to the point my eyes swell because I'm a fat, depressed, acne scarred mom with high blood pressure and I could use a good cry dammit.