Randomness...

Random thoughts:

Why is it that every man I know is such a complete asshole? Last week? I had no less than three men, on the same day, utter the most moronic statement in response to my postpartum depression: Get over it and move on.

Fuckers.

Word to the insensitive jerks that uttered such idiotic words. DUH. If it were that easy, I'd have done it by now. Do you think I want to be depressed and feeling like shit under your shoe that you're constantly dragging across the concrete trying to get off? Fucktards.

I am getting just a tad bit better though. It comes and goes. I think a lot of the time my appearance plays a big role in how I feel. The baby weight I've yet to lose, the acne breakouts from all the fucking hormones that are hanging on for dear life in my system instead of exiting like all nice little pore clogging hormones should; My lack of a decent wardrobe and my disinterest in creating one. Come to think of it, my disinterest in life in general is probably the problem. Depending on the day, I no longer care about my appearance; and conversely, depending on the day I will attemtpt to make an effort to look less like a bedraggled mouse the cat dragged in and attempt to look human, perhaps even female and if I've the time I'll even put on makeup.

Okay, truthfully on most days all I'll do is put on makeup and the rest of me still looks like hell. Everyday it's t-shirts and jeans and sneakers. I've little interest and little time for anything else. If I have an extra 90 seconds in the morning I might even put some heat on the shirt to knock out the wrinkles but that's pushing it. Anyway, moving on...

What the heck is up with people asking about my marital status these days? Not that it's anyone's business. But I've noticed a difference in treatment, much like when Jaalyn was a baby, at the daycare, in coworkers, casual acquaintances and so on. Everyone assumes that I'm either married, should be married, should be planning to get married or at least getting back together with the girls' father.

Please.

The last thing I need is a man. Yeah, I'll cop to wanting some affection and companionship every now and then but marriage? Forget it. No. Not ever. In this lifetime. NO. One failed marriage is enough for me and think about it. How many married couples do you know that are 100% faithful to one another? How many married couples do you know that are happy? All around me are failed marriages including mine and my folks and my friends so for the love of heaven why would I even want to chain myself to some Neanderthal for all eternity? I realize that I'm being overly pessimistic but still. It's the pressure and the questions that annoy me. (I'm annoyed alot lately can you tell?). At the daycare I'm treated like a teen mom that's so clueless and ignorant I can't be trusted with my own child. Then they found out I have a 5 year old. In private school. And living on my own sans the dad. Blech. Suddenly maybe I do know a little something... but I'm not left alone with their husbands. It'd be amusing if I actually gave a damn about them or their husbands but since I don't, moving on...

I'm trying. I really am, to pull myself out of my slump. That's what it feels like right now. Now I feel like I can pull myself out of this fog and onto higher ground if I could just find the footing to get me there. But I'm so tired I'm nearly demented and I can't see the forest for the trees. It's like I need to take a step outside of myself and examine my life, but I can't. I can't concentrate long enough to do it. No peace. No quiet. There is no time when I'm not doing something. Even in my sleep I'm repeating my to do list like a mantra so that I don't forget anything in the morning (as I invariably do regardless so it's pointless to do it but...).

I need a vacation from myself I think. I don't know. Will whine more tomorrow.

Maybe.