Okay, okay, Let me clarify what I said...

Yes, I wrote that I was thinking about marriage.

I did not write that I was getting married. See the difference?

I did not say that marriage would make me happy. And for those that tend to read a little too much into what I write allow me to say:

Marriage will not make me happy.

Yikes. The messages. Everything from congratulations to "what the fuck are you thinking?" to just plain "WTF?"

See, the thing is I've sort of lost my will and drive. I'm not striving to be deliriously happy anymore; I'm striving to be content and to make my kids supremely happy in every way that I can. If it means making a sacrifice here and there, so be it. I can see myself being content with baby daddy but not happy.

And truth be told, I don't think my prince will ever come. That's the kicker right there. I don't think there's a Mr. Right for me. There's not even a Mr. Right Now for me. No man of the moment. Nothing. Nada. Of the three individuals I detailed here nothing has changed. One still has his woman, the other I love from afar and still don't have the balls to admit the depth of my feelings and then... there's baby daddy. Not exactly my prince, but part maker of my babies so I guess that's a point or two in his favor. In a relationship I could rule and reign with my iron fist and there'd be little protest. So I suppose it could be... nice. Not thrilling. Not heart pounding passion. But okay in a monotonous way.

And keep in mind these are thoughts. Not like I'm passing out invitations to the black tie event. More like I asking someone to please slap me with some wit and wisdom to help me regain my old blazing and fiery personality. I've pulled away from the postpartum depression. I feel good. I'm even beginning to feel a little something about my appearance in general.

Okay, that's a lie. I still care very little about my appearance so long as I'm clean and neat and maybe a bit of makeup but I confession it's jeans and t-shirts every day. I look like a teen mom with my baby daddy cast off shirts and ponytail. And it's amazing how when I put on makeup I tend to look younger vice older. Go figure.