And From Change Comes...

What? Huh? What day is it?

I've had so much to write... so much that's been on my mind and heart. So much that I've wanted to share. No time or either I'll have time, the conditions are right (i.e. quiet) and I just won't feel like it. As much as I'd like to try, I think I'll make a terrible freelance writer. I hate writing on demand. But, whatev.

Trinity has been very sick the past several weeks. Yes, I said weeks as in a 11+ day virus/flu thing that started out with her losing her voice and gasping for breath and ended with horrid mucusy vomiting and diarrhea. Never have I seen someone so small suffer so much. But, it's finally passed and now we're on to the next level of extreme discomfort; her first two teeth are trying to push their way through her now toughened gums. I'm telling you, it's nothing but fun up in this here household.

Throughout the turmoil in the house, I've been trying to deal with my own inner turmoil and formulate a plan to facilitate the changes I want to make in my life. And as simple as this process ought to be I'm overcomplicating things by overthinking things. Honestly, just once I wish I could be one of those people that oversimplify instead of overanalyze. But, that's just how I am and I'm doing my best to work out a plan of action that's neither difficult nor intense. Just a steady sweeping motion of change, preferably short and sweet.

I need not just happiness, but some balance in my life. The way I see it I have three areas to revitalize and restore: the home, the heart and the spirit. I haven't exactly figured out the first area to work on since they are so all closely entertwined. But I do have several things that I need to go about changing pronto so as to achieve some a semblance of sanity and peace.

And the very first change to be made is the not-relationship with my kids father. Oh that man... and I hesitate to even call him a man. He is the one that makes every other man on the planet look like absolute garbage in my eyes. We had a major falling out last week where he detailed the issues he had with me as an excuse to behaving like an utter and complete ass for the past two months. When I heard his complaints I was speechless... because they were so completely banal and if there is a description far beyond "petty" this would be it. As a matter of fact, I'll let my readers be the judge. If I am wrong, tell me. One of his major crux with me had to do with Christmas. I did not get him a bonafide gift as I had said I would. This was a serious injustice to him because he bought gifts for me. Thus he's had a 'tude since the morning of December 25th.

Mmkay... Now, that was his complaint. Let's hear my defense. Why did he not receive a gift from me you may ask? Because:

1. Several months prior we'd agreed NOT to exchange gifts. The holiday is for the kids, not us.
2. Because I'd spent every dime I had on bills and getting the children's gifts. I didn't even get my parents anything substantial. First time EVER.
3. Not only did I pay for 95% of the children's gifts, I also bought all the stocking stuffers. Jaalyn and I hung stockings for every member of our immediate family, including baby daddy, my folks and the damned cat. Santa delivered so many stocking stuffers that the stockings actually fell from the nails that were holding them. And Santa also took a lot of time finding nice, substantial gifts for each individual that went far beyond the usual dollar tree garbage most people stuff stockings with.
4. Not that it matters now, but can I be real for a moment? Rarely have I gotten anything nice from baby daddy as a gift. One Christmas after spending hundreds of dollars on his gifts I received a chipped and worn wooden serving tray complete with the $2 price tag stuck on the back from the local flea market. I was not angry, in fact I was amused and I actually still have it and use it to serve Jaalyn cereal in bed some mornings. Here recently I've gotten gifts from him, nice gifts that I neither needed or wanted, but the thought was there and much appreciated. Last year Jaalyn said daddy needs a new bed mommy. His covers aren't nice like mine are mommy. So I let her choose something from a catalog and ordered it. We gave him a complete bed set for Father's day and the matching bath set on his birthday. Probably totalled over $300 but it didn't matter. I got a sandwich maker for Mother's Day. It cost $7.99 and was a replacement for the one he tossed a few years back when he was pissed at me for something or other.

I'm not saying he should spend massive amounts of money on me when he purchases gifts. I actually don't like expensive gifts. I love homemade gifts and inexpensive gifts with thought behind them and items that I actually need. All I wanted for Christmas were a pair of slippers because I never think to buy them for myself and had holes in my beloved jaguar head slippers. (I did receive a pair from my dad and oddly enough from my boss as well). The gifts I have bought for my kids father have been costly in some cases but I don't complain because he really had a need for the items we gave. I give all year round, just like I do for my kids, to various charities and to various people. One year I maxed out unexpectedly and I catch nastiness and hell for it for months. That is a head shaker to me.

Another gripe of his is that he paid a cable bill for me back in January and I never paid him back. A bill he admitted I neither asked him to pay, nor needed him to pay because I could pay it myself. You know how the bill due date will be on a Wednesday but you don't get paid until Friday? It was one of those things. I did offer to pay him back; he refused. Scratching my head over why this entire episode was a huge issue to him, why he's still hanging onto it and it's now April and why would cause more nastiness towards my person.

Anyway, the resulting blow out caused him to criticize not just my parenting techniques but also my person. Anyone that knows me knows how sensitive I am and how my self esteem is far beyond the region in the toilet; I'm nearing septic levels now. So when he told me what a rotten mother I am, that I'd never ever get a man, that I was a complete waste of time and space... it bothered me. I wouldn't say it hurt me, but it did get under my skin a bit.

I get annoyed anyway when he criticizes my parenting. It's like me criticizing the work of a quantum physicist. I've only a glimmer of knowledge in that area so who am I to criticize? I am not the perfect parent but I am a goddamned good one and eons better than he is to his children. I am all my girls have and I've never been able to count on him for a damned thing. To his comments I say Fuck You.

And I could detail more about his complaints, but why get all riled up about it again? Suffice it to say I am done with the entire thing. I have tired of the criticisms, the nasty attitudes, the insults and arguments. Telling me I was a big waste of time and space was simply the last straw. It's unnecessary... HE'S unnecessary since he does the bare minimum anyway. Time for him to be eliminated from the equation altogether. Not worth the stress, not worth my time, and not deserving of ... well...

I'll just leave it at that. But in my eyes, he's done.