Well that was quick...

Hm... hasn't even been a week yet and already I've made an error in judgement in regards to the new changes I want to make in my life.

It's hard though to make a change when you don't really want to, but you know you need to. Not just to be a better person or a happier person, but to be respectful to yourself.

Hence my thing, my penchant if you will, for fooling around with men that aren't "mine". For the past, oh I don't know, six years or so I've been "dating" and falling for men that already have wives or girlfriends. And you know the spiel, it suited me fine then because I didn't want a relationship; I wanted the perks of relationships without the drama and arguing and possession that I think comes with relationships. This worked well for me. I rarely caught feelings, in fact it was often the other way around, and I felt comfortable enough to ask about their wives and not a bit of jealousy would spark.

And then I met Him. And all that bad karma came and bit me in the ass. Because I did fall for Him. I did/do love Him. But He has another. And I hate it. And I've actually written about him before in this blog. I hate to hear her name. I hate to hear of their sex life. I don't know her but I loathe her intensely. Because she exists. Because she's everything I despise in a woman... and that isn't even related to the fact that she has Him. It's purely because her actions are so blatantly that of a desperate woman that is creeping up in age and would give her left kidney to snag a husband. And she gets rejected... a lot. But anyway...

Bottom line is that if I indeed want to make changes in my life, this is one area in particular I need to address. As much as I'd like to breeze over it, I can't. Because quite frankly, I disgust myself. And if I keep it up I'll be as desperate as Her and that shit just ain't happening. I'd rather be single and happy any day than to be with someone that's made it abundantly clear he has no intention of ever taking that final precipitous plunge into that cess pool called marriage.

I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt. I'm tired of being second. I'm tired of only attracting men that already have a woman or two at home.

I deserve better. (Or do I?) I'm not saying I'm right for anything I've done in the past. One thing I am not is a home wrecker. I've never ruined marriages or relationships and yes, I realize that that doesn't make what I've done okay.

But I have to start somewhere. I have to construct a path towards healing right? I'm a good woman, a damned good woman to any man I've ever had, be he single or not.

My heart aches down to the depths of my soul because I love a man and I cannot have him. And to be quite honest, if He dispensed with Her tomorrow, I wouldn't even want Him. Because if He truly wanted me, He'd be with me right?

But He's with Her. So that tells me everything I need to know right there doesn't it?