Drivel...

I long for simplicity in life sometimes. I mean complexity is good in certain circumstances, but for everyday situations I crave the mundane.

I don't know what is wrong with me these days. I mean the changes I'm experiencing are far more than just typical postpartum hormonal stuff. I joke with my girlfriends that I'm going through a mid-mid-life crisis since I'm about to cross the proverbial threshold into 30dom and old maid territory.

I'm very emotional; that's hormonal I know for fact. But it goes deeper than that. I am lonely. I would love to have a little attention thrown my way. A little affection, a little love. It bothers me that I don't have it or anyone special in my life. Everyone that could be considered special has that one very obvious flaw that I've talked about here, and here. That availability thing. The not married/taken thing. And because all I'm ever offered is the number 2 slot, I'm becoming bitter.

Well, not just bitter. Angry. VERY angry. And for every man that says I should just deal with it because: a) it's the perfect relationship -or- b) it's not like you're really number 2 because you're really #1 when it's just me and you in the room, for those men just... ugh. There's no greater way to express my disgust and this time FUCK YOU just doesn't cover it all. Let me think of a nice vivid description to convey my disgust with men... Fellas, imagine being forcibly fucked in your ass by a dude named Paco and having him take his shit covered dick and wiping it across your upper lip.

Yeah, that pretty much describes how I feel these days.

And it hurts. It hurts knowing you're not wanted by anyone, except for the brief creation of the two-backed beast between the sheets. But, I try and say whatever and keep on rolling.

The hurt remains though.

It's weird because I'm not the mushy type. I'm normally not feeling this vulnerable. I'm normally not this needy or emotional or pessimisstic. And I sit through movie after movie* with my daughters, all of which focus on the "happily ever after" theory and Jaalyn talks about how she can't wait for her happily ever after to come. Who am I to tell her that it doesn't always work that way? Who am I to tell her that sure, Prince Charming may come to your doorstep on his white stallion... but he'll come in the dead of night when Mrs. Charming isn't looking and he'll stash his steed out back so no one notices his visit. She looks at these movies, then I catch her looking at me and I can see clearly what she's thinking. How come this hasn't happened to Mommy?

*These movies by the way are enough to drive me insane. The music, romanticism, syrupy lovey dovey dialog and the primary point that love conquers all/your prince will always come is enough to make a bitch heave. The makers of such drivel ought to be shot.

I hope to God, please God please, let this be a phase I'm going through. I am the woman who says with confidence (and I still do despite how I feel at the present) that I do not need a man to complete me. And I don't.

It's just that with all that's going on with the kids and other things going on in life, I just want a little affection. A little attention and a little love. And I don't think I'd even want or need these things as much as I do if I had some outside interests. Things that don't necessarily involve the children. Typically, when I do an adult activity outside the interest of the girls I take it to the extreme and end up fucking someone, because really can you get a more adult activity than that? But I think it's time to hang up the condoms for a while and focus on different adult activities that aren't quite so, ahem, adult.

Maybe I'll learn to knit, eh? Sounds fun and exciting and mind consuming. Right?