My Apologies...

Lately I've been sitting and instead of whining and having my mini pity parties by my lonesome, I try and count my blessings instead. But it's like the more I feel I am blessed the worse certain situations become until I just feel hopeless.

I'm constantly in fear of fucking up my kids the way my folks did me. True, now I have more respect for my father despite his wrongdoing in the past. But I don't want my kids to feel like I feel towards my mother. Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I feel like I hate her. Most times, I am certain she hates me.

I feel certain I'm fucking up my kids in advance. And child rearing isn't something where you sit there and say, you know what? I was awful to my kids today but tomorrow I'll do better I promise. Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. And as the days go by I don't know... it's like I feel the little bit of time I spend with my kids... let's just say I'd prefer them not to remember many a afternoon with mommy dearest.

And the girls are so little and SO sweet. There are no end to kisses and hugs, no limiting the number of spoken "I love you"'s. All our bonding time isn't bad. I think it's sweet when the girls know mommy is bone tired and I'm told to stretch out on the carpet and let them pretend to put makeup on me. All they need is a cup of tepid water and my supply of unused blush, lipstick and eyeshadow brushes and they will happily "paint" my face (back, tummy, feet). Jaalyn said she thinks it relaxes me and it gives us an opportunity to bond without words, without yelling, without tears.

And then there are those times that the crying has worn my last nerve, or Jaalyn's lied (boldly, I might add) about the most asinine thing, or their father has done something stupid or done nothing at all and I'm pissed about it. Or I'll get laid out by my mother, argued with the girls father AND the baby's screaming nonstop, Jaalyn's knocked over something sticky and sweet near the endless trail of ants streaming through our living room and refused to pick it up, AND she's lied about it despite the fact that she did it in front of me... and on and on.

And I get angry.

And I yell.

And I fuss.

And it's happening too often. Too regularly. And I could offer excuses: I'm beyond exhaustion. I'm working 6 days a week. I'm stressed because of *insert multitude of problems here*. But the bottom line is that I'm the adult. I am the parent. There is no excuse, period. Yes, there will be days that I lose my temper. Days where I justifiably want to sink to the floor, put my head in my hands and just cry. Single parenting is hard. Extremely hard especially when you feel like you have no one of value in your corner.

Ever go to a little league softball game and hear various parents cheer on other people's kids? "You can do it Tyler!" "Way to go Mary!" "Don't worry about it Bobby!" But when it's their own kid you can tell by the emphasis in their voice and body language. You can tell that they mean what they say. They have a vested interest in that kid and that kid is their #1 player, the MVP. Cheering on a single parent it kinda like that. Dotted here and there are well wishers and a few cheers. But they aren't heartfelt; more like rehearsed and automated. So that means that, well, it doesn't mean much at all to hear it. Wasted words, wasted breathe.

Anyway, I'm off subject. Jaalyn, my love, my heart and my first... if you should ever read this please know how much I love you. I don't want to be mean, I don't want to yell. I would love to simply be the best mommy in the world to you. It's what I live for and strive to be. We are both growing and learning and together I know we can do this. The bond we have is unlike anything I've ever known or seen. I want to continuously feed and nurture it so that it will continue to grow. I will make time for you. We will have our mommy-daughter days again I promise. We can send Trin to her daycare and spend time together, just me and you.

I promise.