Houston, we have a problem...

I am a mother of two now.

I have to keep reminding myself of that. For five years my heart and soul and worry and tears went into one; now, everything is doubled. It took so long for me to find a balance between my love and devotion to Jaalyn and my love and devotion to myself as well. And now I'm unbalanced all over again.

Single motherhood is never easy, I acknowledge that, but at some point you can usually find a happy medium if only for a little while. I desperately need to reach that point now. I'm 18 days into motherhoo for two and I don't like the person I've become. I'm tired and cranky of course. That is to be expected. But I feel like I'm treating one child differently to the other. I mean on one hand I have my newborn; fresh and beautiful and so new... just like I did with Jaalyn, I have this overwhelming "God, I really hope I don't fuck this up" feeling. She's with me 24/7, she stares at me with open, smiling eyes, and we're developing a true bond that goes deeper than the initial breastfeeding bond. Enter the cliche, before I had her I couldn't imagine life with her, and now that she's here I can't imagine life without her.

On the other hand there's Jaalyn... just as beautiful and special in her own way... but unbelievably obnoxious, rebellious and so forth. Typical 5 year old behavior with a touch of new sibling jealousy. I see it, I understand it, but yet it still bothers me. I yell, I get angry and then I feel like shit afterwards. I cannot find balance. I'm tired and hungry (often I have to skip meals or simply forget to eat because I'm either doing something with the baby or Jaalyn or something else.) and admittedly I am VERY short on patience. And I hate that. I've always had tons of patience with Jaalyn, right up til I became pregnant with Trinity. As the pregnancy drew to a close, one of the main things I looked forward to was the loss of the extra hormones that I knew caused me to be irritable. Okay, stupid ass me forgot about the fact that I'd be sleep deprived and prone to be Mommy Dearest in the flesh.

Enter the if onlys:

- If only I could get more sleep some way, somehow then I'd have more energy and wouldn't be so goddamned cranky.
-If only the girls' father would be a bit more helpful. And when I say a "bit" I mean in the sense that the Washington Monument is a "bit" tall.
-If only this damned house were completely spotless. I'd have more time to devote to Jaalyn instead of having to fuss about this being left out, this toy being tripped over.
-If only I could get rid of THIS FUCKING CAT of Jaalyn's.

If only I could be a better mother to both my girls.

I know I can do it, it'll just take time. And I am so damned impatient.