Weepfest '06

I re-read my previous post and all I can do is shake my head. Yesterday, the girls' father and I had it out. No yelling involved this time, a small miracle in itself, but this time I ended up completely losing it and embarked on a major weepfest. He hurt my feelings so badly I cried for hours about it. Part of it was probably due to postpartum hormones, but partly because I simply couldn't believe the accusations he was making. Ever since Trinity's birth he's been on my case and making accusations that I put one child before the other.

Let me explain something about Trinity's birth; when Trinity was born she had this abdominal mass, something I mentioned in a previous post. That mass turned out to be a twisted, dead ovary that required surgery to remove it. However, it wasn't until the actual surgery that we discovered what the mass was. Prior to the surgery she was whisked from my arms, taken for MRIs and CT Scans and ultrasounds... she was taken from the nursery and put in the NICU and so on. It was a very traumatic time for all of us. Jaalyn was staying with my parents and was delighted to do so. What should've been a 2 day stay in the hospital turned into a 7 day nightmare. I was discharged after 2 days but my baby remained. What prompted my tears yesterday was that he accused me of putting Trinity's needs before Jaalyn's and because I did so it fostered this rash of misbehavior in Jaalyn now. He implied that Jaalyn's behavior is stemming from the fact that her mother let her down and cares more about the baby than her. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

I missed Jaalyn terribly when I was in the hospital with Trinity. I had no idea I'd be there so long but nothing could've induced me to leave the hospital until I knew that everything was okay with Trinity. The way I saw it, Jaalyn is 5 and was in good hands with my folks; Trinity was days old, was breastfeeding and everything was up in the air about her and her safety. For example, yes, she needed surgery but the pediatric surgeon made it perfectly clear that while this wasn't necessarily a routine operation (routine on a woman, not an infant) there were certain risks involved and the fact that we could lose Trinity was a very real possibility. No one knew how her tiny body would react to anesthesia, the doctor didn't know precisely where the mass was located and depending on the location it heightened the risks... I could go on and on listing reasons why I made the decisions that I did but the bottom line is that if I had to do it all over again I'd still do the same thing. He certainly couldn't breastfeed her, he had no insurance information, couldn't authorize medications, surgery, etc. none of that. I stayed around the clock to bond with her. NICU nurses don't hold the babies unless they are changing them, feeding them, or changing bedding. I needed to bond with Trinity and was encouraged to do so. Breastfeeding was the best way possible and it helped establish my milk.

And for the record, once Trinity was out of the danger zone and adapting to the pain on her own without the aid of morphine I did go get Jaalyn and spent the night with her in our house. This was on the 6th day of Trinity in the hospital. I had the father (grudgingly) stay in the hospital with Trinity and the following day my prayers were answered and Trinity was discharged. But I did see Jaalyn during my stay at the hospital several times; she went with me to the NICU to see her sister and hold her; we visited the gift shops, cafeteria etc. But she (and I) wanted more. By this time she was tired of staying with her grandparents and just wanted to come home to me and I echoed her sentiments. I made sure we talked on the phone, that I told her I loved her and that I was so sorry to be away from her for so long.

So when this attack from the father came, first on the third day postpartum and again yesterday, I was cut to the heart. The point I kept stressing to him was that there were no other options, I had to stay in the hospital with Trinity. But he continues to blame me for Jaalyn's current behavior. He claims I spend too much time with the baby, that I'm intentionally avoiding spending time with Jaalyn. That's simply not the case. We spend time together, we still bond, we are also still learning how to be a family of three; I'm still learning how to be a mom to two. And it's hard... unspeakably hard. I do get discouraged, but I know this is just a temporary feeling. It too shall pass.

Today, I feel stronger. I am angry still but I am sick to death of fighting, especially with him. All these arguments and accusations and such go down in my memory as reasons not to reestablish our former fucked up relationship. Every day I thank God for the clarity He's given me and the giving me the strength needed to make this journey on my own.