Late (for me anyway) Night Thoughts...

Attempting a second post while the baby sleeps peacefully in her crib.

My second post of the day comes from random thoughts crossing my fatigued mind… given all that I’ve experienced with the girls’ father I’m surprised that I haven’t gotten the usual “hates-all-men” chip on my shoulder. Am I really just that worn down and dejected about the quality of men I encounter or have I reached the point where I really don’t give a damn anymore? Usually when I am feeling hurt, angry, or any other wide range of emotions caused by a male I embark on a man hating, ball bashing rampage of sorts. This time I didn’t and not because it didn’t occur to me to do so. I just… I don’t know… I just didn’t feel like it.

Boy that sounds lame doesn’t it?

I dunno. When I was pregnant I fell hard for a guy and when the feeling wasn’t returned not only did I cower in the corner and licked my wounds, I became angry. Not just at him but at men in general. So much so that I’d plan to take up my “Kleenex” approach once I did begin to date again. (For those unfamiliar with my Kleenex theory: men are just like Kleenex, soft, strong and oh, so disposable.) But, I figured once Trinity had been born I’d lose interest in men as a whole anyway the same as I did when Jaalyn was born. I fall so completely in love with my children that everything else falls by the wayside. Companionship, relationships and everything else in between just don’t matter when compared to the first shaky smiles of a newborn in her sleep. And I was right. Now that Trinity is here she and Jaalyn are my primary focus; and yet I still in some small corner of my heart yearn for occasional companionship. It’s a weird feeling. Like I want to be held and loved and coveted but on my terms. I guess it stems from a longing for adult companionship in general. I can only take but so many Spongebob/Jimmy Neutron/Fairly Oddparents cartoons without cracking my head open from banging it repeatedly upon the coffee table. The sad thing is I find myself watching these things even when Jaalyn isn’t home.

Perhaps the longing for adult stimulation is what keeps me from my usual man hating persona? Perhaps I want someone to do to me what I usually do for people of importance in my life. I’m normally not a “taker” per se, but right now I would love for someone to spoil me for a change. The last man I was seriously involved with was the first and only man to ever really give back to me and it felt good. It took getting used to but once I realized his actions echoed mine and were truly out of love, not because he had an ulterior motive, I finally saw how wonderful it could be. And I don’t mean spoiling in a monetary, materialistic sense. I’ve never been that type of person. But sometimes I wish that there was someone looking out for my best interests as well as me looking out for theirs. I have a token few good friends that do this, but in more of a familial way.

It sucks to be a girl when all these stupid hormones are running through your veins and prompting you to be philosophical at the most inconvenient of moments. But who knows? Maybe one day my Superman will come… I can only hope I’m not so bitter that I fail to recognize his coming. (one day I’ll have to sit down and write about my Superman obsession. I deeply covet anything and everything Superman. As it stands I am ready to redo my bathroom in entirely Superman logos. AND I’M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT DAMMIT!)