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4.11.2010

Conflictions…

It’s odd that when life hands you a pile of shit you’re expected to work with it and work at it until that shit blossoms into something beautiful and productive. Right now I’m at a point where I’m up in the air about the direction I want my life to head. I picture myself on a path and there are a million a thousand like ten different paths to choose from to proceed in life. It’s not necessarily a bad thing either just… I don’t know. I’m conflicted. (You liked how I tied in the title didn’t ya?)


For example, by mid-year or so I should be able to at least qualify for a first time buyer home loan. I could move as far away or as close to the city as I like. This has been a dream of mine for so long. But… if I move I have so many things to consider like school districts, fencing for the dog, proximity to the girls’ pediatrician and future job and college locations. Another little caveat? Although I may qualify for a loan by my birthday, I’m not sure it’s wisest to move before my lease is up. I know my landlord would let me out of my lease. He’s a good guy like that. But to have to come up with all the fees to purchase a new home AND still be paying rent while living in this home and attempting to make repairs here so I don’t get hit with a bill from my landlord is a bit much. I also feel like buying a home in VA will tie me down you know? If I wanted to apply for a job in another state I’d be faced with problems.

Which brings me to another path: jobs in other states/countries. Truth is I’ve been applying at my job for a promotion for quite a while. I make the register, have the interview, do well and then… nothing. Found out the reason I wasn’t getting the jobs was partly personal because I have a lousy reputation thanks to rumor-mongers and my batshit crazy mother, and also because of my low security clearance and inability to obtain a higher one. Add to that the fact that I want to put as much distance between me and my antagonists as possible and I’ve been applying for jobs all over the world. And you know what? I’m making the registers and having interviews. I’ve got two interviews next week for two different agencies in Pennsylvania. If I am offered the position, am I ready to go? Do I really want to go? What about the girls’ school, which they love second only to me. It’s a guaranteed promotion, I could always come back to VA but it’d be at least two years or more before I returned. What to do? And if I am offered the jobs, what the hell am I going to do about this house I’m renting now? I’d have to come up with repair money (and there are plenty of cosmetic repairs to be made) and moving fees plus have money available for another place to rent and… I think my head just exploded. But to think of being far, so far from everyone… it’s like a dream you know? The way a kid feels on Christmas Eve: sort of scared but so fucking awesome.

Another road I could take? Applying for positions with the Army and Navy civilian locations. I honestly think that these are the best bet for me now because I could move just far enough to keep travel time to the kids’ present school under an hour and I could still move farther away. And I do mean FAR. Tons of inexpensive rural property out yonder. I have it good at the job I have now. Uncommonly good. But I’m stalled out salary-wise and I need more money to provide better for the girls.

Another little issue? Once I get my bachelor degrees, maybe my masters in both as well… I had my heart set on law school. I even know the law school I want to attend. Moving too far or out of state would severely complicate things.

Moving out of state would also dramatically affect the girls too. Not Trinity so much as it would affect Jaalyn. She’s at an age where she’s becoming uncomfortable about herself and isn’t quite as outgoing as she used to be. Making new friends is hard for her. Ripping her from her comfort zone bothers me intensely.

Hm… just writing this all out, seems like the choice (or at least A choice) is clear. Moving out of state just isn’t for me. Not now. Unless the job had more positives than negatives or was one of Jaalyn’s chosen locations (somehow that dream job in Hawaii doesn’t seem likely). Jaalyn wants to be anywhere that’s near water. That’s my future marine biologist for you.

Which leads me to another conflicting emotion. Do I go ahead with the two interviews for PA anyway? Or do I call and say that I’m no longer interested? Or should I go thru with the interviews for the experience and only worry if they happen to call me saying I got the job?

Damned indecisiveness.

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