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4.25.2010

Pensive...

One of the best and most inspiring titles of a book, to me, was Maya Angelou's "Wouldn't Take Nothing For My Journey Now...". Even though I wasn't as crazy about the book as I had been about "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings", I loved the title because it so accurately summed up how I felt about my life.

I wouldn't change a single event, good or bad, in my life. Every sorrow, every struggle, every blessing, every pain has made me a stronger person. Whether or not I'm a better person remains to be seen but I know I am infinitely stronger for all my struggles. That's something I want to instill in my children. Hard times will come but it's all in how you handle them. You can sit and wallow for a time but by God you'd better get your ass up and fight.

That's what I am determined to do.

I will fight.

I will succeed. And  no man will stop me.

HWH7FNF57GNT

War and Peace...

I've had so many people try and drag me down. I have never really understood why. I consider myself to be a good person overall. I don't seek revenge, I treat people as I want to be treated... so why the hate towards me?

Am I something to envy? I doubt it. I have my blessings, sure, but overall? I can't imagine anyone envying overwhelmed parent, debt-drowning, overweight, unhappy lil ol' me.

I had a blog prior to this. I shut it down because someone used my private thoughts, my honest and open thoughts, against me in the most hateful and underhanded way possible. Nothing I said on my former blog was untrue, might have been ugly but it was truth and I stand by what I wrote. But whoever betrayed my confidences, relayed misguided and twisted info to someone that is bound and determined to hurt me to my core. For the first time ever, I felt fear from this person. I felt the full rage, anger and hatred of this person. And even when this person confronted me about the things they "heard" I'd "said" I still owned up to them. Damn right I said it, I wrote it and I'll tell anyone that what I wrote was truth. Even when confronted by nastiness and threats I still asked that person, "Did I say anything untrue?"... I got hate and rage but I never got an answer to that question.

This person has declared all out war against me. My kids are involved now.

That... was a mistake. Threaten me, do not threaten my kids. Mama Bear has her claws out now.

I'm out for blood.

I don't fight dirty. I won't fight dirty. But I will not be threatened and it's my duty as a parent to protect my children.

I have no intention to stop blogging or writing in my journals, writing articles and so forth. I will still stand by everything I write and will declare it true based on my viewpoint.

Peace time is gone for now.

I declare war.

4.24.2010

Risen...

Once again, I was undone...

Totally emaciated and very nearly destroyed, my will almost broken.

Almost...

I'm not out for the count. Nope, not by far. I've had a hard row to hoe for a long time now. I was hurt and I cried, I sulked and I moaned, bitched and complained and nearly gave up.

I won't be broken though. I won't let my faith in God and self be severed. I can't. I have to be an example to my girls so that they will know that regardless of what life throws your way, you have to bounce back. Either dodge the bullet or take a direct hit, lick your wounds and carry on.

Failure is not an option.

I cannot be defeated. I will not be broken.

I will rise again.

Fuck that. You know what?

I AM RISEN MOTHERFUCKERS.

I. AM. BACK!

4.16.2010

Peace Passes...

So... it's been a long week.

Also, a not-that-great-week... very suckish indeed.

A whole host of shit happened this past weekend. I've rediscovered that too much contact with my parents makes me a very grumpy girl.

On Saturday I blew a tire and was stranded on I-95. No one I knew would answer their phones. Despite it being a weekend, despite me being on a major, crowded highway, not one person came to my rescue, not one state trooper, police car, motorist assistance ever came. My mom ended up coming to get me. Drama ensued.

My father moved back in this week and began picking the children up from school once more. As a result he's back to his old self again doing the things he would normally do; and as a result of that my children are spoiled fucking brats.

I'm their mama, I can say that.

They've pushed me over the edge with their whining, laziness and overall triflingness. All of those bad behaviors disappeared when my dad was gone. Everyone was happier, relaxed, eating healthier. Dad came back and now all they do is whine and eat, whine and fight, whine and eat some more. I am no longer the ruler of my abode. All peace is gone. I hate coming home. I cannot sleep, don't want to eat. Stressed out once more.

Oh and then there was that pesky thing about the Pennsylvania interviews... which I did do. So now the waiting begins.

Despite it all, despite my bitchiness, despondency, and so on I did get to participate in an activity that gave me peace, even though it lasted barely 10 minutes.

I sky watched.

When I was a kid and my parents would start arguing, fighting and carrying on, if I didn't hide in the closet I'd run outside to my favorite tree in the front yard. I'd lay on my back and stare at the sky and let everything else in the world just fade away. The cool, moist earth beneath me, the expanse of the heavens above me.

Some people see shapes in the clouds. I see faces. I see profiles. I see abstract art.

This evening when things got to be too much for me, I took a chair out to the deck along with my mp3 player, slouched down and stared at the sky. There weren't many clouds, thin whispy one that were very scarce. But they were there and staring up at them and feeling the warm spring breeze on my face and arms gave me comfort. The breeze was sweet with the scent of cut grass, wild onions and flowers. A bee buzzed past me but didn't bother me.

For almost 10 minutes I found peace in the same manner I did as a child.

And then I had to come in the house and break up a fight, clean up cat vomit that my 9 year old child stepped in while wearing my shoes (of course) and clean up more vomit from my 3 year old who coughed till she threw up.

Fun times.

4.11.2010

Jill...

From the moment I heard about you on the news on January 25th I knew. Your family was on the news denying it but in my heart I knew. I knew from all the little signs years ago, from the sadness that always lingered in your lovely brown eyes. You were always so serious, so kind, so warm yet… sad. You were one of the few people that were so sweet to me during those wretched years at that awful place.


I was surprised to see you were married and saddened to hear of the divorce. You were so young, too young to leave but I understand more than anyone will ever know. I understand why you felt the way you did. I understand why you did what you did.

I have prayed for your family, your mom in particular, every day since January 25th.

I’m so sorry that you felt you had no other option but to end it all.

I’m sorry that the world failed you.

I hope with all my heart that you’ve gotten the peace you sought.

You and that lovely smile will be missed.

Rest in peace Jill.

Conflictions…

It’s odd that when life hands you a pile of shit you’re expected to work with it and work at it until that shit blossoms into something beautiful and productive. Right now I’m at a point where I’m up in the air about the direction I want my life to head. I picture myself on a path and there are a million a thousand like ten different paths to choose from to proceed in life. It’s not necessarily a bad thing either just… I don’t know. I’m conflicted. (You liked how I tied in the title didn’t ya?)


For example, by mid-year or so I should be able to at least qualify for a first time buyer home loan. I could move as far away or as close to the city as I like. This has been a dream of mine for so long. But… if I move I have so many things to consider like school districts, fencing for the dog, proximity to the girls’ pediatrician and future job and college locations. Another little caveat? Although I may qualify for a loan by my birthday, I’m not sure it’s wisest to move before my lease is up. I know my landlord would let me out of my lease. He’s a good guy like that. But to have to come up with all the fees to purchase a new home AND still be paying rent while living in this home and attempting to make repairs here so I don’t get hit with a bill from my landlord is a bit much. I also feel like buying a home in VA will tie me down you know? If I wanted to apply for a job in another state I’d be faced with problems.

Which brings me to another path: jobs in other states/countries. Truth is I’ve been applying at my job for a promotion for quite a while. I make the register, have the interview, do well and then… nothing. Found out the reason I wasn’t getting the jobs was partly personal because I have a lousy reputation thanks to rumor-mongers and my batshit crazy mother, and also because of my low security clearance and inability to obtain a higher one. Add to that the fact that I want to put as much distance between me and my antagonists as possible and I’ve been applying for jobs all over the world. And you know what? I’m making the registers and having interviews. I’ve got two interviews next week for two different agencies in Pennsylvania. If I am offered the position, am I ready to go? Do I really want to go? What about the girls’ school, which they love second only to me. It’s a guaranteed promotion, I could always come back to VA but it’d be at least two years or more before I returned. What to do? And if I am offered the jobs, what the hell am I going to do about this house I’m renting now? I’d have to come up with repair money (and there are plenty of cosmetic repairs to be made) and moving fees plus have money available for another place to rent and… I think my head just exploded. But to think of being far, so far from everyone… it’s like a dream you know? The way a kid feels on Christmas Eve: sort of scared but so fucking awesome.

Another road I could take? Applying for positions with the Army and Navy civilian locations. I honestly think that these are the best bet for me now because I could move just far enough to keep travel time to the kids’ present school under an hour and I could still move farther away. And I do mean FAR. Tons of inexpensive rural property out yonder. I have it good at the job I have now. Uncommonly good. But I’m stalled out salary-wise and I need more money to provide better for the girls.

Another little issue? Once I get my bachelor degrees, maybe my masters in both as well… I had my heart set on law school. I even know the law school I want to attend. Moving too far or out of state would severely complicate things.

Moving out of state would also dramatically affect the girls too. Not Trinity so much as it would affect Jaalyn. She’s at an age where she’s becoming uncomfortable about herself and isn’t quite as outgoing as she used to be. Making new friends is hard for her. Ripping her from her comfort zone bothers me intensely.

Hm… just writing this all out, seems like the choice (or at least A choice) is clear. Moving out of state just isn’t for me. Not now. Unless the job had more positives than negatives or was one of Jaalyn’s chosen locations (somehow that dream job in Hawaii doesn’t seem likely). Jaalyn wants to be anywhere that’s near water. That’s my future marine biologist for you.

Which leads me to another conflicting emotion. Do I go ahead with the two interviews for PA anyway? Or do I call and say that I’m no longer interested? Or should I go thru with the interviews for the experience and only worry if they happen to call me saying I got the job?

Damned indecisiveness.

4.04.2010

There are times that I don't want to be a mom anymore...