Baby, I'm back

Watch out world, the bitch is back. With a vengeance.

I haven't felt so much like myself in so long. It's good to be back.

You know, on my birthday I felt so, well, sad. I felt awful. I felt fat, ugly, useless, unloved and unwanted. Much of that had to do with my mother and her constant criticism and comments. Much also had to do with some deep rooted issues I thought I'd put to rest long ago. Evidently I didn't kill those self deprecating thoughts; I merely masked them and moved on as if they never existed. But the depths of my depression caused them to resurface and as I lay in my bed staring at my ceiling I allowed my mind to wander and stared those thoughts, feelings and fears in the face.

Dude. So. Not. Pretty.

As is my wont, I typically spend the eve of my birthday pondering all that I've accomplished in the last year and what improvements I could make in my life. This time was a bit different considering I was depressed to begin with. This time I pushed the depression aside and you know what?

Life ain't half bad.

January 22, 2005 I wept for the loss of my child. Once I overcame my sense of loss and fear I made the decision to try once more to have a baby and succeeded on the first (albeit quick) try. June 21, 2006 I celebrated the life of a new child. In between the loss of my second child and the birth of my third I changed alot and I became stronger.