Not Good

I am slowly, no make that rapidly losing what little sanity I have left. This morning I found out Jaalyn hit yet another child yesterday, the cat barfed twice at the top of the staircase, there’s a faint scent of spoiled milk coming from somewhere in my room but I can’t locate the source of it, and Trinity went on a I’m spoiled/please hold me even though you have mounds of work to get done and a report due today crying spree.

The crying jag is what set me off. No matter what I did she cried her ass off simply because she wanted to be held and she was fighting sleep. And the scary thing was that at one point I was looking at her screaming in her swing thinking, I can totally see how babies get shaken to death. They cry and cry and cry and all you want is for them to shut up so you can do whatever stupid ass thing you were doing yet they continue to wail at the most inopportune times. I didn’t shake her. I buried my head in my arms and closed my eyes. I let her cry until I could get myself together, when I was sure that I wouldn’t do anything rash, when I was certain I could respond to her lovingly. When I did pick her up and set her on my lap facing me her eyes were puffy and red and her cheeks were wet with tears… just like mine. When I kissed her forehead I could taste the salt from when she’d cried so hard for so long she broke into a sweat.

I got up, went and turned the a/c a little lower, grabbed a snack and settled back into my desk chair with Trinity in the crook of my arm. Work and deadlines be damned. I read another mom’s blog for a while and when I next looked at my baby she’d passed out from exhaustion.



So now at noon I begin my day: my assload of work to get done, the leotard I have to locate and wash for Jaalyn’s ballet class this evening, the clothing to locate and iron before Trinity’s doctor appointment at 2:45. And somehow through it all I hope to at least squeeze in a hot shower and a much needed cup of coffee.


And goddammit all to hell, she's waking up again.