Two loves and a like...

Doing my bestest to move away from the PPD subject for at least a day...

Oh my God I'm beginning to show qualities of being human. Not just human, but distinctly female. Heaven help me. This reigning Ice Queen can feel something melting the frost on her heart. Ugh.

Admittedly, I'm lonely. I sit, day-in and day-out at home with an infant. In the evenings I'm with an infant and a 5 year old and maybe baby daddy. Baby daddy is my sole link with the adult world these days, not counting the fucked up parental units whom I'll describe another time. I crave affection and attention and.. dare I say it? Love. And not just the love of anyone willing to toss it my way, it's the love of specific individuals that I crave.

Dude, this is SO not me.

I went through something similar when I was preggers. I was totally in love with a guy from the job. I'm still completely in love with him (and I hate the fact that I am). The problem? He's got someone already and for once in my life for some reason I want to take the high road and not be second. Odd considering I never had a problem being a jump-off before; it suited me fine in the past. But this time... I dunno. It gets to me. And odder still... it's not that I don't want to be second fiddle for anyone. I don't want to be second for him. I want to be the first and foremost, the one and only. And I have never, EVER been that way before. I'm probably the most relaxed girlfriend a guy could ever ask for. So why the sudden change in me? I haven't the slightest. When I was pregnant I put it off as hormones making me crazy. Now I'm not as pumped with hormones and...? I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm older and more possessive. I've become more possessive since becoming a single parent and an ex-wife. Total "what's mine is mine" mentality. And, maybe, just maybe I'm starting to resent being second. It's a change of perspective. Before I would think "Ha, he may go home to her at night but I'm the one he craves." Now it's "I'm the one he craves but he goes home to her at night?" It's gotten so that every man that used (note the past tense) to hit on me is always married/involved. After awhile you begin to wonder, damn... am I not good enough to be number one?

Anyway, with that particular guy, the point was that he already has someone and it bugs me to no end. Alright, fine I'll be totally honest and admit it envokes an uncharacteristic *ahem* jealousy in me. Scares the crap out of me that I feel this way for anyone other than my kids. I hate it with a passion.

Enter Love #2: the guy I love from afar. I see him at his job all the time. We talk, we laugh, I have strong feelings for him, he has strong feelings for me, so why not make something of it? He's actually single, he has no kids but is great with them, he has a good work ethic, multiple jobs... I love him dearly, I don't even think he realizes it. He's expressed an interest in going on to be more than just friends and I can't do it. He's young, well, younger than me; I think I have him by at least 6 or more years. I don't have patience for young men. Their enthusiasm is cute. I swear a week after meeting he declared his love. Total Romeo + Juliet style. Then the phone calls started coming 12 times a day, the "I can't bear to be apart from you", "I love you, do you love me" and all that. So cute, so smothering... and yet I liked it. But at the time I also felt that I could not handle commitment. To a certain extent I still feel that way. I just don't put much stock into committed relationships. I don't know of a single on where both parties are faithful to one another.

If you can't be committed in a committment, what's the point?

So, having hurt his feelings, he keeps his distance from me. Enter "Like":

This one surprisingly is the one I can actually see myself suffering with, through thick and thin, good and bad (and worse), till the cold clammy hand of death parts us (don't get it twisted, I do NOT mean marriage).

Baby Daddy.

We've been good friends for the entire time we've known one another. He's my familiar and we make a good team. We can carry on intellectual conversations, share common interests, of course we have the kids... yet I'm still bitter from the past years of horror, despite knowing that it won't ever be repeated. I do love him, he's one of my closest friends and the father of my girls. In love? Eh... no. Nothing would make him happier than a reconciliation. So why not try and make it work? Again, the commitment statement from above comes into play. I cannot say I would be faithful. I love sex. I love exploring the different facets of sex. With him, I am not satisfied. Plain and simple. I refuse to be one of those people that go into a relationship knowing full well that they won't be faithful. I am unsure that I could adapt to a life of intimacy frustration. But, I dunno, maybe he'd be a little more adventurous now than he was back then. Doubtful.

And then my good old man hating self says that I love my independence, I revel in my singledom and I'm just fine with it thank you very much. And then a small voice in the back of my mind says very softly:

liar.