Fiscally...

I fell off the blog wagon. Darn.

I'd meant to write everyday with the exception of the weekends. I'll do better, I promise.

The week wasn't a good one, but then again most weeks aren't really good weeks, especially the first week of the month. When the bills are due and the money isn't there... *sigh*

I'm just so fucking tired of it all, you know? I feel like  I'm stuck repeating the same cycle over and over again. Things look bright for a few fleeting moments and then back to the same old shit. I am so sick of worrying about money. I do my best to live within my means and every time there is something odd or far fetched that soaks up my income like a dry fucking sponge.

I want out.

Jesus... if it weren't for my kids... I don't know. I don't know what I'd do. Parenthood just put extra pressure on money woes doesn't it? The pressure of not letting them know you're stressed out of your mind, of not letting them know the utilities are about to be cut off (again), that the landlord will be pissed (again), that lunches and treats will be minimal (again). Hard enough to do the single parent gig without feeling like a failure on top of it all.

All this stress, all the time, all the odd occurances has turned me into something I swore I'd never become.

A martyr.

Fuck. I used to be the type that bemoaned the single mom stigma that every single parent must be worshipped and adored for simply overcoming or just dealing with the day-to-day stuff. I hated the term "Strong, Black, Single Mom" because it seemed redundant and banal. What a fool I was. This shit is hard. Very hard. Especially when you don't have the other parent really supporting you like he should.

And that other parent issue... dude. Don't get me started. Granted, he has come a long way since Jaalyn was born. Since Trinity was born. But it wasn't without yelling, screaming and practically crying blood tears on my part.  Now he's stepped his game up because he has a woman in his life to impress; I recognize (now) everything he's been doing over the last several months to be the exact same thing he did with me when we were dating. For all that he does now, it's still a far cry from what it should be, especially when it comes to child support.

I'll put it out there: I went to the Dept of Social Services website and plugged some numbers into the child support worksheet. I know he makes more than I do, so I estimated his income to be about 5K more than mine. Then I did it at the same income as mine. Either way, the amount he ought to pay (around $2,100) is a far cry from what I receive (around $600). His income being more than mine or the same as mine did not change the overall contribution amount more than $100 if that.

That's a huge fucking difference.

The thing is, I am afraid to take him to court. We have not gone since Jaalyn was 13 months old. Back then I got screwed, royally because I was the more responsible parent (the judge's words, not mine). By law all he's required to give me is $81 a week. When Trinity was a year old, he voluntarily increased it so that we wouldn't go to court. He knows I'd rather keep things out of the court, I know he dreads being forced into a court, so we settled our differences ourselves. I didn't want him to take revenge on me if I did take him to court, by trying to fight me for custody and visitation. I'm almost certain he'd do it. And because I'm not entirely convinced I'd win I've staved off dragging him into court.

But now... I'm not so sure anymore. The worst of it is that if he does try to take retribution and take me back to court for visitation I could potentially be forced into a holiday schedule of sorts, meaning I'd have them every other holiday instead of every holiday. I couldn't bear to miss Christmas or birthdays or whatever simply because their dad decides to be an asshole and get me back for forcing him to pay up for his responsibilities. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

Either way, even if I did take him to court it doesn't do a thing to help out this month. This month I'm screwed. I don't have rent. I don't have my car payment. I don't have tuition money. I don't have utilities.

I am SO fucked.