Xavier...

Xavier and I met on the job. He was an armed guard at the gate. His presence, his physique, his voice… all mesmerized me. He was a very intimidating guy. He wowed me with his charm, his intellect, his humor. Every single thing about him was sexual. I don’t mean that he talked sex to me. I mean everything he said, did, walked, talked… it just reeked of sexuality. He could’ve been standing still in a blizzard with sixteen overcoats, four hats and mittens with smileys on the backs of the hands and it still would’ve oozed sensuality.


He talked of his life. Told me of his wife and daughter that was killed in an auto wreck. Talked of his family and roots in Lousiana. Spoke fluent Creole and was delighted that I could not only understand him but answer him back almost as fluently. He spoke of his previous careers, Navy reserve life, his goals and dreams. He met my daughter, something I’d never permitted any other man to do and he sang to her as she slept and read book after book to her before bedtime. He’d bring her treats and would hoist her onto his shoulders so he could take her to the neighborhood ice cream truck and buy her the biggest and best treat she laid her eyes on. Once she was tucked into bed and fast asleep he’d turn his attentions to me. He’d tell me how he lusted and craved my body and would ravish me with rough kisses and the passion I’d only dreamt of. There was no part of my body that was off limits to him and he’d take me, hard, fast, teasingly and roughly. Then he’d switch and be so tender that it would make me cry. Often, he never came, never finished; me, I’d almost faint from the heat and having so many orgasms I’d be hoarse from screaming. He was hands down the best lover I’d ever had. He was everything I wanted.

We’d do everything together. Talk all night, meet up before work the next morning, dinner in the evenings. He taught me a few Creole recipes and loved to help me cook in the kitchen, sneaking kisses when Jaalyn wasn’t looking. When he proposed, I thought life couldn’t get any better. I was ready to love again, ready for more kids, ready to be a stepmom to his adopted son.

Then cracks began to appear… Xavier was a loving man towards me but terribly possessive. If I stepped outside of what he deemed proper for me there’d be hell to pay. He never raised a hand to me but would eviscerate me with his tongue and I’d be in tears for hours afterwards. He was a mental mind wizard, always playing games and evaluating and testing me. He’d spy on me and accuse me of infidelity. Still, I’d brush it aside and take the love he gave me. Or the love I thought he gave me. Sex, though still fulfilling, was rougher and harder than anything I’d ever experienced outside of rape. He loved to pretend to choke me as he came, to put his full weight upon me and restrict any movement, any escape on my part. Stories he told me about his past became more embellished. His jealousy became worse, turned to rage in most cases. Eventually I got the guts to call it off with him, because he scared me, because it just wasn’t worth all the tears I cried. He stalked me for a while. Showing up at 2am banging on the door, calling nonstop, hanging up when I answered or vowing to kill any man I dared to let into my life aside from him. After 3 months of that, I moved. He terrified me and had long since gotten fired from our mutual place of employment.

A year later I saw him again… on the local news. Arrested in one county for felony threats, grand larceny, impersonating a police officer. Arrested in the city on similar charges, only misdemeanors this time. I was stunned and followed every word in the news and in the papers. More information followed. There was no dead wife and child. But there was a very real wife now. There was no wealthy family, no military career, no honor. He’d been captured when he attempted to take money from various women. This baffled me. Xavier was nothing short of generous with me. He never took money from me, always gave. More details followed. More lies exposed. Man, did I feel the fool. Yet, I still couldn’t shake the love for the man I knew he’d been. The man he was around me.

Jail. That’s where he ended up. After I was sure he was locked away, I delved a little deeper into his records and discovered the violence, the marriages, the other charges and the eventual petition for divorce from the wife. After he was released I saw him again. Repeatedly, around my apartment.

I moved again. And again.

And then I moved out here to the sticks. A place I don’t think he can find me.

And yes, despite it all…

I miss the sex.