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3.13.2010

The Long & Short of It..



So… life sucks donkey balls right about now.
Changes must be made but before I make them… can I get one last major Piss and Moan session? I feel the need to do it because, frankly, I have no one to talk to, no one to vent my frustrations on…

1. I hate, absolutely DETEST, my childrens’ father. I hate him because he has time, money, and lives the single life while I get homework, role modeling, PTO, tantrums and vomit. Conversely, I realize I have the better deal because I get the homework, role modeling, PTO, tantrums and vomit. Well, maybe not the vomit part. I hate him because he exists, because he refuses to allow my daughters to add my last name to theirs, because he doesn’t financially support them the way he should, because he misses every school play, every achievement, every report, every science fair project. Because he sees them when it’s convenient for him. because he badmouths me to them while drumming up support for himself and his girlfriend. Because he likes to show them off to his family and pretend he’s superdaddy. Because he only gets them on the Saturday after his payday so that he can try to outdo what I do on a regular basis. Because, because, because…

2. I’m fucking sick of school. I hate it. I don’t want to go on but I have to because I need to prove to my kids, Jaalyn in particular that it’s possible and good things will follow if you have your college degree. Why in God’s name I am double majoring, I have no clue. I’m a dumbass that’s also a glutton for punishment I suppose.

3. I have two pairs of jeans that fit me; I have one pair of shoes; an assortment of tshirts and a few sweaters. All came from thrift stores. I don’t know what it’s like to shop in the mall for myself. I don’t know what it’s like to buy anything new for myself.

4. I do not have my own room. I do not have my own bed. Last year Jaalyn began this thing where she wouldn’t sleep in her room, would sob and get me and my dad up a million times a night. Trinity was refusing to sleep in her toddler bed that was cousin close to my bed. One night I got frustrated and dragged my mattress upstairs to stop Jaalyn’s nocturnal wanderings long enough for us all to get some sleep. Yeah… like I said it was over a year ago. The room that was mine is now cluttered with junk and bullshit.

5. There isn’t a single room in the house where I can just go for some peace of mind or privacy. There’s no door the children won’t open. I never get peace. When it’s their bedtime, we all go to bed. I know I shouldn’t give in…

6. I’m so out of touch with myself. I get no joy from anything. I don’t indulge my old hobbies. Can’t concentrate long enough to read. Kids and dad monopolize the television.

7. I’m lonely. I want the American dream. I want the husband, more kids, financial stability. More importantly I want to be LOVED and cherished by someone other than my children. I want passion. I want to be loved. Period.

8. I want, no I need, more money. I’ve more bills than I can handle. I live within my means but simply put: I do too. Damned. Much. And the fucked up part? I don’t even get gratitude in return. Not a single thank you. Ever. That shit's about to change, starting today.

9. I’m unfamiliar with the woman I’ve become. I don’t love myself. I don’t like me. I don’t know what I enjoy. I’m not happy. I’m uncertain and nervous and I hate it.

10. I want another baby.

11. I want to move out of this awful, awful county. Nothing would make me happier than getting a (gasp!) doublewide on 5 acres of land far enough that I don’t have to worry about friends or family visiting. I’d love for it to have a brick foundation, decent sized deck, dog pen in the back yard and a swing set for the kids. Fully furnished home, new appliances, and a garden tub in a big bathroom. And to make it ultra country, a gravel driveway.

12. I want to be pleased sexually by someone that loves me intensely.

13. I want to be able to work because I want to not because I have to.

14. I want to stop procrastinating.

15. I want my dad out of my house and out of my life. This is very soon to become a reality... couldn't come at a more perfect time IMO.

16. I want to be able to tell my children freely what an insufferable, selfish ass their sire is and not feel guilty about it.

17. I want to be happy, focused, determined and THIN.
18. I want my energy back. I want my peace back. I want to have… I don’t know.

19. I want to be a kept wife. Cherished and treasured and oh so stable. I admit it and am not really ashamed of it at this point.

There’s so much that I want. So much I need to do. So many changes to be made. I have a habit of making everything harder than it has to be. Overanalyzing, worrying and then finally giving up and not doing anything. But I need peace in my life. I feel if I obtain it then everything else will fall into place. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. So do my kids. If I am happy, they will be too.

But how?

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