See here's the thing about suicide... It's an incredibly selfish thing to do. You're only thinking about yourself. About your pain. You're not thinking of the pain you'll cause someone else, however temporary it may be.

Things can't be all that bad. Right? Sure it seems like you're stuck in the same perpetual cycle, much like a hamster in the wheel. It never gets better, same shit always. The fact that it likely will never get better. Look back over your life; how many times have you felt joy? Compared to so, so much pain...

But you'd never see your children again. Never have arms to hold them. Eventually they'd forget you anyway but still. It'll hurt them for a while. Especially knowing that you offed yourself. That would bother them in the adult years.

You wouldn't have to worry about bills though. So many freaking bills. They just won't go away. They multiply. Jesus if people would only stop hounding you for money.

Maybe... maybe this is why you've had this fear/fascination thing with water. To be able to float, or sink or whatever. At least then, you'll be alone, at last.

All the privacy in the world. Peace beyond passion.

Beyond caring.

Beyond pain.

Beyond worries, beyond stress...

I don't want to go...

I'm so, so tired. Things never get better. Only more hopeless. I just don't know what to do anymore.

All I ever wanted was to be a good person, a good mother. I feel like I'm failing in everything.

I just don't know what to do anymore.