Congratulations Honey! You made the BLOG!!!

This post is dedicated to one and only one person because I can't effectively say what I would like to over email. At work. In public. And refrain from screaming obscenities.

Hence the reason I have not called you to tell you EXACTLY how I feel. So much more mannerable to do it in written form.

All those not involved in this little tete a la tete you can go bout your merry way...

And honestly if you don't know WHO you are... well then you're about as dense as dino shit. If you suspect it's you...

It's YOU.

It's funny. We've been beefing for the past several days over some really stupid shit. Well, to me it's stupid because it started from fabrication effectively spun by your idiotic co-worker and you despite your lofty intellect took the bait, hook, line and sinker.

So let's just lay it all out on the table m'kay?

We've been kicking it for what? about 2 years? Which not-so-ironically is the amount of time you and your bitc... ahem, lady have been together. (to my lovely readers, if you could not tell, I do not like her. At all.) And we've known each other perhaps almost a year prior to that.

It took me a while to admit how I felt about you. The feelings were always there but I was afraid of being hurt again. By the time they'd bubbled to the surface you were already involved with her. But, as you said, it wasn't anything serious. So, hey, I thought I had a shot.

Fast forward to you telling me you didn't know who you wanted. Then you said you knew who you wanted and it wasn't me. You opted to see where things would go with her.

Insert knife into heart <here>.

It hurt but I did my best to accept it. My love for you never dissipated. We talked about it and I agreed to be the other woman.

That was big assed mistake Numero Uno. Will make mental note to get "FUCKING IDIOT" tattooed upon forehead...

Ordinarily, I'm a good "other" woman. But the depth of my love for you made me jealous. A new experience for me. And bitter.... Reeeaaaallly bitter. So when, in a moment of anger you threw the "Well, it could've been you if you'd done this that and the other" oh hell fucking no. I wasn't even available at the time you expressed interest in me and unlike SOME FUCKING PEOPLE I remain faithful to the one I'm with until the relationship is over. Ah...Remember those arguments?

Ah, the good ole days... of earlier this year.

Fast forward to the end of last week. The straw that broke the camel, that fine line that was crossed, the piss in my Cheerios... you get the point. You listen to O.F. (note: use of initials to protect the stupid) and the bullshit he spouts. Not only do you listen to him but you believe that shit.

The fuck? Are you out of your fucking mind? What in the name of all that is holy is fucking wrong with you? Why would I want such a troglodyte? A lying, cheating married fucker that's shallower than that prick Pangman? I said he was cute once. He shows up at my cube unannounced. Call me crazy but some people would consider that stalking. And then when he gets here all his advances are rebuffed. He calls, I don't call back. He brags, I tell him I'm uninterested. He pursued, I dodged.

Someone out there that's sane, please tell me how this means I want this man in particular.

Oh I see. I love one cheater that must mean I love them all right? After all I am the whore of the Center aren't I? So says Pangman. And Johnson. And Parker. And a host of others.

And then to suggest that you're just looking out for me and don't want me to waste my time and energies on someone that's obviously not good for me.

*crickets*

Yeeeeaah... okay. I appreciate ya lookin' out for this feebleminded ole gal but honey I could tell long before you returned from the academy that Mr. I-gots-me-a-Lexus wasn't bout shit. The fact that you told me he was married only cemented the idea of him being a wholly big assed egotistical jerk.

But good lookin' out.

And then came the statement that totally threw me for a loop: "...in no way shape or form are he and I alike, except the fact we both are interested in you, but even that is for different reasons. You can say we both cheat but that is generic."

*even the crickets went silent on that one*

Generic? GENERIC?! Cheating is cheating is cheating. You can't one up when you both do the exact same fucking thing. He married and he cheats. You've got a bitch, chick, whatever the fuck you call her and you CHEAT. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GODDAMNED DIFFERENCE?!

Sorry... lost the happy persona.

No, I'm not sorry. Look, if you don't like how he carries himself when it comes to me this is my assvice: Stop listening. It's just that fucking simple. But this isn't about him, at least I don't think it is. It goes far deeper but fuck it. It's not worth scratching the surface because it's a waste of time. You are with her. You made your choice and I have to accept it. And to be truthful, I told you a while back that even if you were free at this moment I still wouldn't want you. You didn't want me then, I don't believe you want me now. So fuck your bitch and be happy about your decision. Hey, you could always marry her and then be JUST like O.F.

And yes, I've been mean to you the past several days. There's a good reason for that.

1. I'm angry.
2. I'm bitter. Verrrry bitter. Not just about you. About all men that knife up a heart till it's bloody but still say they care.
3. I'm still angry. You insulted my pride first when you chose Casey over me. I could deal with that. I can nurse my pride and creep to a corner to lick my wounds. But this time? You insulted my intellect. You believed an asshat over me, despite my attempts to keep you well informed. That was what truly pissed me off and makes me think you don't have a shred of respect for me.

And you my dear have succeeded in giving O.F. exactly what he wanted. A nice deep wedge between you and I. That was his goal all along and he won.

And you won. Because you still have someone to retreat to. So I'm the loser all the way 'round.

Looo-zer. Yep, that's me. But it's cool though.

An aside... was listening to Mary J in the car. God that woman can blow can't she? I think that Mary was her best album to date. That was the scorned woman's anthem of the late 90s. I particularly love "The Love I Never Had" and for you, my love, my not-love, the never-mine love, I dedicate it to you.

The Love I Never Had
Artist: Mary J. Blige
Album: MaryYear: 1999

You know sometimes
There come a time in your life
When you love something
You have to let it go
And even though
You might feel there's still something there
You have to wake up
Stop living in a dream
Cause it's over now
You got to think about you

I have always wondered why,
Why I can't live without you babe
And I'm longing to be your lady
I understand that you are leaving
Please don't live here without me babe
Cause I think I might go insane

Chorus:
Cause everybody needs someone to love
And I know that it's true
And I know that it's you
I don't understand
Why you can't be my man
So I better wake up
Stop living in a dream
Yes I better wake up
Cause I can't lose the love I never had
Oh I better wake up
As painful as it seems
Yes I better wake up
I cannot lose the love I never had

Every time I close my eyes
I see visions of you and I
Sharing love of a special kind
I got to laugh to keep from crying
To hide all the pain inside
Cause I can't get you off my mind

Chorus

Oh it made me realize
But you don't know how hard I tried
What do I have to lose?
Oh I think a little bit more than you
And I doubt you will see things clearly
Before it's too late

Chorus

All the times I've cried
It made me realize
That I was only living a lie
But you don't know how hard I tried
To make sure you were satisfied
yeah
Cause I thought you were only mine (Correction: I NEVA thought that shit.)
And I doubt if you will see things clearly
Before it's too late, too late, too late
I don't understand why you can't be my man
Oh everybody needs somebody to love
Everybody needs somebody
yeah
Oh, do do do
Baby, I can't live with you
And I doubt that you will see things clearly
Before it's too late, yeah
Oh you hurt me so, you hurt me soI can't lose, I can't loseI can not lose, I can not lose
Oh I can't lose a love I never had
---------------------------------

Remember the story of Sleeping Beauty? She slept 100 years waiting for Prince Charming to kiss her awake.

Honey, fuck Prince Charming. I'm kissing myself awake and I'm seeing things VERY clearly.

I love you still. I always will.

We can be friends, never again will we be lovers though. My heart can't take it and neither can my pride.